Supernaturalish Interviews
by KitCat 1995
Summary: A collection of CRACK interviews from the characters of supernatural. Warnings for HUMOUR! Not so mild course language and my Pervy thoughts! Round one Lucifer & Michael!
1. Michael&Lucifer

Well hello there!

This is just a little mini series of interviews for your entertainment! You know, it's just because I'm such an awesome person! *Grins evilly* and because I'm such a funny, sexy and incredibly cocky son of a bitch I'm gonna be doing this as a CRACK FIC! *Fist Pump!* WINS!

So on with it then!

*** Round one***

*** Michael & Lucifer****

**Cat**: So Michael, Lucifer I'm so glad you could come for my little interview! ... Oh what's that? ... Hang on let me take these restraints off!

**Michael**: Haaaa! Oxygen sweet, sweet Oxygen!

**Lucifer**: You! Are so DEAD! You here me DDDEEEAAAADDD!

**Cat**: O : Down boy! Be good or I'm going to have to get Gabriel, Who is currently suffering sugar withdrawal! To come and knock some sense into you. -.- This goes for you to Michael!

**Michael & Lucifer**: O.O *Nods hurriedly!*

**Cat**: Good boys! Now Michael, my assistant here Jess *Points to tall brown haired girl* will take you into the next room and give you the exact same questions to answer while I do Lucifer.

**Lucifer**: Oooh here that Michael! She's gonna do me!

**Michael**: Lucifer don't pressure the woman, if she was going to be screwing anyone I'm pretty sure it would be me!

**Cat**: O.O …. O : wait wha?

**Lucifer**: Yeah well the ladies love the bad boy!

**Michael**: But I'm just so much better than you!

**Cat**: Uh guys?

**Lucifer**: Daddy's boy…

**Michael**: Dropout…

**Cat**: Ok ladies! One at a time! All screwing will be done at a later time! Now Michael if you'd kindly go with Jess yeah cheers!

**Michael**: I'm not done with you Cat *Winks, points fingers and leaves*

**Cat**: *Blush spreads across face* *Clears throat* So Lucifer if you'd fill out the sheet please. *Hands paper and pen*

**Lucifer**: Anything for a pretty face like yours!

**Cat**: *Blushes even more* Oh well— I- I'll um… JUST FILL OUT THE PAGE! * looks down in embarrassment*

**Lucifer**: Of course sugar.

**Cat**: *Face Palms!*

*45 mins later*

Everybody's back in the main room… with questionable beverages…

**Cat**: Ok now that everybody has a drink, Jess is gonna read out the questions and each of your respective answers!

**Lucifer & Michael**: WHAT? YOU DIDN'T TELL US THAT BEFORE!

**Cat**: SILENCE! Continue Jess.

**Jess**: _Question one – What is your Favorite Color?_

**Jess**: _Lucifer's Answer_: Red! Like the color of my enemies blood!

**Jess**: _Michael's Answer_: Ummm blue? Maybe green?

**Cat**: Yeah I like green on you!

**Michael**: Thanks! *Turns to Lucifer* Red huh? The color of your uh enemy's blood yeah?... Jerk.

**Lucifer**: Yeah well….. SHUT UP … Bitch!

**Jess**: _Question Two – Age?_

**Jess**: _Michael's Answer_: Older than the sea and the trees… *Gaze off into the distance*

**Jess**: _Lucifer's Answer_: Old enough to know a few tricks!

**Cat**: Oh really?

**Lucifer**: Got that right! *Leans forward and growls seductively!*

**Michael**: Yeah well I'm the older brother here! *Points dramatically to himself*

**Jess**: HUFF! Do you want me to read this out or are you guys just going to keep eye fucking each other!

**Cat**: READ ON WENCH!

**Jess**: FINE! *clears throat*

_Question Two – Favorite Movie?_

**Jess**: _Michael's Answer_: Finding Nemo…. DUDE!

**Cat**: Sweet!

**Michael**: *Fist Pumps* Finding Nemo Rules!

**Jess**: Can I continue?

**Cat**: CARRY ON my wayward son!

**Jess**: *looks up* how did I get roped into this job?

**Cat**: Because you we just drawn in by my awesomeness! Now CONTINUE!

**Jess**: _Lucifer's Answer_: Scarface, go the tongue thing!

**Michael**: *Slaps Lucifer*

**Lucifer**: O : What was that for?

**Michael**: Didn't you watch that movie for that part?

**Lucifer**: What part? When the guy does this? *Flicky flicky tongue*

**Cat**: *Slaps* don't you learn?

**Lucifer**: Oh I love it when you play rough!

**Jess**: *Raises voice* _**Question Three! Favorite place?**_

**Jess**: _Michael's Answer_: I don't know… Rome?

**Jess**: _Lucifer's Answer_: Well when I take over the world and kill off all the humans!

**Cat**: Michael, why Rome?

**Michael**: IDK! It's pretty I guess!

**Lucifer**: OK BOOOORRREEEEDDDDD NOOWWWW!

**Jess**: *THROWS PAPER UP IN THE AIR* THAT'S IT! **I QUIT! ***Grabs coat walks out*

**Lucifer**: Oh BYE!

**Michael**: Hey Lucifer I've got an idea. Let's interview the interviewer!

**Lucifer**: Michael that has to be the first GOOD idea you've ever had!

**Cat**: -.- Fine…

**Lucifer**: *Evil Grin* what's your sexual orientation?

**Cat**: I'll tell you mine, if you tell me yours! : P

**Michael**: Slightly bi more straight though. Eternity is such a long time!

**Lucifer**: Bisexual, but right now I'm going for chicks!

**Michael**: Lucifer you'll screw anything with legs!

**Lucifer**: When are you going to give that up! I was extremely drunk when I fucked you and you can't tell me you didn't enjoy it! -.-

**Cat**: *Mental image* Oh wow! Well umm mostly straight, I'll try anything once but all in all I'm not to fussy, you ask and I deliver.

**Lucifer&** **Michael**: O :

**Lucifer**: So if I invited you to come with me later to play with some cherry sauce and whipped cream…

**Michael**: Down Lucifer! Down boy! Right-o next question… Who are you? You kinda just magically dragged us into this room and so far I haven't been able to use any of my powers to get out?

**Lucifer**: Yeah! How the fuck are you doing that! And who are you!

**Cat**: What me?

**Name**: Cat… Just Cat

**Height**: 5'8

**Age**: 21 by human appearances

And how I got you in here…. I….. Have …. SUPERPOWERS! And I'm awesome!

**Lucifer & Michael**: ….

**Lucifer**: Now how did you really get us in here?

**Cat**: *Serious face* I have my methods…. Cause I'm awesome!

**Michael**: riiiigggghhhttt… okay now another question, Luci you wanna go?

**Lucifer**: Call me Luci one more time and I'll rip you lungs out, but yes I do want a go!

Now Cat out of the two of us, which one is your favorite?

**Cat**: Oooh tough choice! But I'm really going to have to go with Lucifer! It's not that I don't like you Michael it's just … Lucifer's more badass than you! *Blush*

**Michael**: *Looks down* its ok everybody all ways goes for his charm, that's why he's the favorite… *Puppy dog eyes*

**Cat**: *Guilt Tripped!* OH Michael! I'm sorry you are amazing, adorable and unbelievably hot! *Runs over and hugs*

**Michael**: *Mouths to Lucifer* Suck on that bitch! *Slowly strokes Cat's long hair*

**Lucifer**: Hey what about me?

**Cat**: *Detaches from Michael* Your still my favorite Lucifer! *Latches onto Lucifer, whilst nuzzling into his neck*

**Lucifer**: *Mouths back to Michael* who's the bitch now, Man whore!

*Stands up, carrying Cat* Well boys and girls, I have one thing left to say… KIDNAPPED! *Runs off into the distance with Cat in his arms*

**Michael**: HEY! Come back here! LUCIFER! *Runs after*

*Gabriel walks in*

**Gabriel**: Caaaaannnnnddddyyyy…. Caaaaannnnnddddyyyyy…. Sugar levels diminishing! *Falls to the floor*

Will Cat survive being kidnapped by Lucifer? Will Michael be an apart of the hot and kinky sex that follows being kidnapped by Lucifer? WILL GABRIEL GET HIS CANDY! Send me at least 5 reviews and you'll find out! Oh and if you wanna see a specific pair being interviewed just let me know and yes I will be doing Sam and Dean….. NOT DOING THEM! Doing them! …. You know what I ment!


	2. Castiel&Gabriel

Well we did it *Tears up* I GOT FIVE REVIEWS! *Does happy dance* This calls for Pepsi Max and an update! And now due to one of my awesome reviewers requests, a Castiel and Gabriel Interview! And now a little message from your AWSOME AND AMAZING WRITER RIGHT HERE!

And oh somebody asked about the Lucifer and Michael scene (You know who you are!) I might put it in later IF I get another five reviews! MWHAHAHAHAHAHA I'm evil I know! You love me for it! XD

Disclaimers: Yadda Yadda Yadda I don't own Supernatural Ect Ect!

**Cas VS Gabe**

**Gabe**: *Following skittle trail* Skittle… Skittle….. Skittle….Skittle…. Okkkkaaaayyyy why does this look like an interview room?

*Lights clunk off* *Doors seal off*

**Steve** (Steve = BIG BURLY GUY!): Get in there! *Pushes random body bag into room* *buggers off*

*Lights come on*

**Cat:** well hello Gabriel… I see you followed my skittle trail.

**Gabe:** I thought it would take me to the rainbow… *Sad puppy dog look*

**Cat:** *Struggles not to give into the cuteness* shall we see who's in the bag then?

**Bag:** MRRFFTT MUUUURRRRFFFFTTT!

**Cat:** Bloody hell! Hang on a second I'm sore all over here! Damn Lucifer! *Mumble* Cherries *Mumble* Michael *Mumble* Whipped Cream! ARGH the bag won't come undone! *Sits with knot pathetically in hands* Gabriel if you help me I'll show you where the rainbow is!

**Gabe:** YAY! Rainbow! *Undoes knot*

**Cat:** *peers into bag* I think we may have suffocated it?

**Bag**: *Random hand appears at the entrance*

**Cat** **&** **Gabe**: *Scream like little girls* OH MY GOD IT'S ALIVE!

**Cas**: Whether I'm alive or not is not of import, help me out of the bag.

**Gabe**: Oh hey bro!

**Cat**: Cassie! Here let me help you up!

**Cas**: *Now out of bag and dusted off* what's going on here? Why does this look like an interview room?

**Cat**: That's because it is! Now both of you take a seat!

**Cas**: Why are we being interviewed?

**Cat**: because I'm an angel stalker!

**Gabe**: So you're that person who was following me in Vegas!

**Cat**: O.o Wha? No? ….. When was this?

**Gabe**: Like two days ago!

**Cat**: Oh no! I was ummmmm well with your brothers.

**Cas**: What Raphael? RAPHAEL SYMPATHZER! *Stands up and tackles*

**Cat**: Ahhhhhhh! Noooo MICHEAL AND LUCIFER! Ahhhhhhhh Cas that tickles! MOVE YOUR HAND THE FUCK AWAY FROM THERE!

**Gabe**: Hey Cas, making move already! So grown up! *Goes back to quietly eating skittles*

**Cas**: *Looks down to see hand pressing down on Cat's breast* *BLUSH!* O : oh… I am so sorry! I APPOLOGISE PROFUSLY!

**Cat**: That's ok, but usually when you say you're sorry… you remove your hand! Lucifer's going to get annoyed with you!

**Cas**: *Flees to the chair*

**Gabe**: *Pissing himself laughing!*

**Cat**: Ok boys. *Motioned for papers*

**Jess**: *Hands papers*

**Cat**: Oh Jess your back!

**Jess**: Yessss I'm back *Obvious overflowing sarcasm!* The Candy store wouldn't take me back, they accused me of stealing skittles! Can you believe that!

**Gabe**: *Munches on skittles*

**Jess**: *Stares* are? Are those the skittles?

**Cat**: Enough about you wench! Now Cas Jess is going to take you into the other room and you're going to fill out the paper… aren't you?

**Cas**: *Nods!*

**Cat**: Plus I don't think it's a good idea to leave Jess with Gabriel right now… she might eat him! Isn't that right Wench?

**Jess**: Shut up bitch!

**Cat**: *Mock offence* Is that any way to talk to your overly awesome boss? No I don't think so. Now LEAVE!

**Jess**: psht! This way Castiel!

**Cas**: *Inwardly* Finally somebody said my name! *Tears up* My proper name! *Leaves with Jess*

Facial expression = **: |**

**Cat**: So Gabriel, Here's your Question sheet. I want everything filled out truthfully understand?

**Gabe**: But I'm the trickster!

**Cat**: Truthfully!

**Gabe**: Ok…. Can I have some more skittles?

**Cat**: Yeah just don't tell Jess, I stole them from her work! :D

**Gabe**: Nice!

50mins later with random squeaking noises!

Cas comes back in, hair very mused, shirt rumpled and horrified look on his face! Jess just looking embarrassed.

**Cat**: Sooooooooo what did you guys get up to?

**Jess**: *Mumbles* Nothing.

**Cat**: Mkay *Suspicious look* well…. You're still going to read their answers out! Right wench!

**Jess**: Yes boss!

**Cat**: O: Wait did you just call me boss? :D Acknowledgement! *Hugs Gabriel!*

**Gabe**: Yay hugs! But shouldn't you be hugging jess?

**Cat**: *Contemplates* Nahhhhh! It looks like she got Cas for that.

**Jess** **&** **Cas**: *Look down and away from each other*

**Gabe**: Ooooooohh trouble in paradise bro?

**Cas**: The pizza man got it wrong…. Apparently slapping someone on the rear is not appropriate during an interview….

**Gabe**: Ohohoo! Castiel, I have got to meet this pizza man!

**Cas**: I ask Dean what video it was off… I think it was Casa Erotica something or other.

**Gabe**: Ohhh DUDE! I was in those! Seriously how many have you watched?

**Cas**: Ummmmm all of them?

**Gabe**: DUDE! Urgh dude!... So what did you think about that wing trick I did?

**Cat**: OK! Jess on with the Q&A!

**Jess**: *Whispers* but I wana know about the wing thing?

**Cat**: *Whispers back* I am not fueling your perverted fantasies you have about angels and demons!

**Jess**: *Whispers loudly* That was one time!

**Cat**: ON WITH THE QUESTIONS!

**Jess**: Fine!

_Question 1: Going with the basics, what your favorite colour?_

_**Castiel's**__**answer**__: Blue! Definitely blue!_

**Cat**: Awwwwww Cassie knows his favorite colour!

_**Gabriel's**__**answer**__: Caramel… sweet, sweet caramel! _

**Cat**: Ooooooohh yummy! You know I make the best Caramel EVER!

**Gabe**: O : Really! Go make me NOW!

**Cat**: After the interview! Jess, continue!

**Jess**: _Question two: Favorite Movie?_

_**Castiel's**__**answer**__: Ummmmm I've only watched the Casa Erotica series? Does that count?_

**Gabe**: IT COUNTS!

**Jess**: I want to here more about the wing trick!

**Gabe**: Maybe later!

**Cat**: O.o is that the thing when, uh you fold your wing like this *Does weird hand movements* and then you push it into there? *Gestures down below!*

**Gabe**: O : how did you know? *SHOCK HORROR!*

**Cat**: *Smirks* I know the guy you learnt that trick from!

**Gabe**: *Whispers* you slept with Lucifer?

**Cat**: *Whispers* and Michael! …It was awesome!

**Gabe**: *Whispers* Wanna complete the Archangel series?

**Cat**: *Contemplates* *Whispers back* I would love to but Lucifer would smite the both of us… he's a bit territorial!

**Jess**: *Cough, cough!* _GABRIEL'S ANSWER: Three Blind Saints… One of my better Pieces of work!_

**Cat**: I agree with you there man!

**Jess**_: QUESTION THREE! Due to popular demand. What's your sexual orientation?_

_**Gabriel's**__**answer**__: Oh dude! I gave the people of the 60's the whole idea of free love! So Dude I'm available for everything!_

**Cat**: I had no idea Angels were such Nymphomaniacs! First Lucifer! Then Michael! Now Gabriel! What about you Cas?

**Jess**: _**Castiel's**__**Answer**__: Well myself and Dean have had sexual intercourse and then there was Meg… and then there was_…

**Gabe** **&** **Cat**: WHOA WHOA TOO MUCH INFORMATION!

**Cas**: *Looks down* Sorry…

**Cat**: Mkay, Jess you may continue.

**Jess**: o.O _'She didn't yell at me this time…..She must be planning something?' _ _Question Four: If you had a choice in the beginning would you be Evil (Mass-murder, kicking kittens, breaking traffic lights so they only stay RED) or Good (Helping grandma cross the street, daddies boy, nerds!)_

_**Gabe's**__**Answer**__: Evil! But I wouldn't kick kittens; I'm too good for kittens… I'LL KICK LIONS!_

**Cat**: *Mutters* and then run like hell away from them.

_**Castiel's**__**answer**__: I would go good still but I would have peace and happiness through out the land!_

**Cat**: Yes, this speech was brought to you from the Miss Universe pageant!

**Cas**: *Glares*

**Jess**: *Cough* _Question four part one: Gabriel – why did you choose to become Loki the trickster god?_

_**Gabriel's**__**answer**__: because one I like pranks and two when I popped down here in the beginning all those pagan gods just randomly started calling me Loki like it had always been my name! Those pagan gods are damn weird!_

_Part two: __**Castiel**__ – What were you first reactions when Dean said 'you're not going to die a virgin'?_

**Cas**: YAY Impala sex!

**Cat**: *Halfway through drinking vodka* Pffft! O: Impala sex!

**Cas**: *Nods* Impala sex.

**Gabe**: Impala sex?

**Cat**: *Nods* Impala sex.

**Jess**: Omg this is so random in its mind numbing boringness! I QUIT! AGAIN! *Grabs coat and leaves…Again!*

**Gabe**: *Trickster side comes out* Sooooooooo Cat…. What are you?

**Cas**: Actually I've been trying to figure that out to!

**Cas&** **Gabe**: *Focused and determined looks*

**Cat**: What, Little old me?

**Cas**: So you admit you're old!

**Cat**: I'm only in my Six Thousands! Thank you very much! *Glares*

**Cas**: *Terrified* I'm SORRY! *Leans in and kisses Cat*

**Cat**: MRFFFFFFTTTTTTT! *Arms flail around uselessly!*

*Lucifer appears*

**Lucifer**: CASTEIL! GET YOU'RE HANDS OFF MY WOMAN!

**Cas**: *Stops kissing Cat… And slowly looks up at Lucifer* I AM SOOOO SORRY! I LEARNT IT FROM THE PIZZA MAN!

**Lucifer**: I DON'T CARE IF YOU LEARNT IT FROM THE DUDE! I'm GOING TO RIP YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!

**Cat**: Enough Lucifer! And I swear if you start going 'Where's the money Lebowski!' no Impala sex for you!

**Lucifer**: O : But-but! You didn't tell me there would be Impala sex….. You know I was just trying to protect you.*Puppy Dog Look*

**Cat**: *Melts* Awww Lucifer there will always be Impala sex for you! But I'm not sure Dean's gonna be too happy about that! *Hugs*

**Lucifer**: Shall we get out of here!

**Cat**: Of course, I'm starving! *Begins to leave*

**Gabe**: *Steps over a cowering Castiel* Hey! You didn't tell us what you were?

**Cat**: *Looks over shoulder* Now that's a tale for another day then love! Keep an eye on Castiel for me!

**Lucifer**: *Opens door* Oh hey…. Jess wasn't it?

**Jess**: I just forgot my phone.

**Cat**: Hey Jess, *Edges for the door* you do know that ummm…. Gabriel ate your skittles! *Runs pulling Lucifer along*

**Jess**: o.o…O.o…..O.O **GABRIEL! YOU'RE GOING TO FUCKING DIE!**

**Gabe: ***Grabs Cas's coat* Byeeee! *Zaps off to Disneyland!*

**Jess**: Fucking Angels! *Leaves…..O.o Again…..*

What happened to Michael? Will Cas survive being at Disneyland WITH GABRIEL? WILL JESS COME BACK? O: Find out in the next installment! Which will be posted when I get 10 REVIEWS! :D

Cat out! *Snaps fingers!*


	3. Sam&Dean

Hello my pretties. Although I did say I would update after 10 reviews, I shall be lenient and update at 9! (Eh, close enough!)

So go have fun, EAT PIE!

*Goes back to eating pie*

Oh and something for our supernatural fans :D

Season 6 gag reel is now on YouTube!

Favorite quote:

*Misha's holding a worm.*

Jared – "Eat it. I dare you to eat it."

Misha – "I'm not going to eat it that's disgusting. I'm going to wear it, as a wormstash!" *Puts worm up to face!*

XD cracks me up every time!

* * *

><p>Disclaimer: I don't own supernatural… Until SEPTEMBER 13th!<p>

* * *

><p>Round 3.<p>

**Sam & Dean**

**Cat**: Oh man today's gonna be really boring…. I mean Alistair broke his razor so Lucifer had to go and console him, Gabriel's running with Cas away from Jess and Michael's god knows where! *Sigh goes back to drinking coffee and staring out the window*

**Steve**: Would you like another coffee, Miss *Offers pot*

**Cat**: No Steve I'm afraid that even coffee can't console this completely depressing state I'm in right now…. *Grabs pot of coffee anyway*

**Steve**: I'm sorry to hear about your problems Miss, oh hey! Would you look at that! That there is a mighty fine Impala right there miss! *Points out the window*

**Cat**: Impala? *thinks Impala Sex! And looks out the window* OMG that's Dean's Impala! Steve go flicker the light now!

**Steve**: Ok miss… why am I flickering the lights?

**Cat**: Because you're a demon and I need this place to look like it's got demonic omens on it so the Winchesters will come and investigate! GOD do I need to spell it out for you! *Damn demon… I got ripped off when I bought this one off Crowley!*

**Steve**: Ok miss. Sorry miss. *Looks glum and begins flickering lights*

**Cat**: *Fuck! I hurt its feelings!* Sorry to snap at you Steve… tell you what! Once you've gotten the Winchesters attention you can kidnap them and shove them into the Interview room.

**Steve**:… : D *Flickers lights more enthusiastically*

**Cat**: *Sighs and mutters* Fucking demons.

*30 mins of light flickering later*

**Steve**: Miss my arms getting tired… can I take a break?

**Cat**: *Looks up from coffee pot* Well have you gotten the Winchesters attention yet?

**Steve**: Um no.

**Cat**: Well then. NO! You can not take a break! Not until you get the Winchesters attention!

**Steve**: Miss, Can I try something else?

**Cat**: What could you possibly do to get the Winchesters over here that I hadn't all ready thought of or tried? HUH! DEMON?

**Steve**: *Grabs cardboard and pen* *Writes down* … **FREE PIE!**... *Places in window*

**Cat**: -.- if they aren't in here within the next ten minutes your going to go back to flickering that light AND BE GOD DAMN HAPPY ABOUT IT!

* * *

><p><strong>*5mins later*<strong>

***Doorbell rings***

**Dean**: Hello? The sign said free pie….. can we have pie?

**Cat**: O : *How the fuck did that demon manage that?* *Looks to Winchesters* Hi there! The pie is in the backroom for safe keeping, now if you two strappingly handsome men accompany me to the backroom, you can have all the pie you want!

**Sam**: *Holds Dean's arm and whispers* Dean I don't like this. We should go back to the impala.

**Dean**: What? And miss the opportunity for free pie! You gotta be joking!

**Cat**: Do you guys want pie or not? *Hand on hip in the doorway*

**Dean**: *Hurry's closer behind her*

**Sam**: ah-wait! *Bitch face! Follows Dean*

**Cat**: In here boys. * Moves round to the door*

**Dean**: *Looks around* so where's the pie?

**Cat**: *Closes and locks door* there is no pie!

**Sam**: *Still with the bitch face* See Dean! I told you so!

**Dean**: Yeah so what she's tiny, what are you 5'8? 5'9? We can take her man, so quit you're bitchin.

**Cat**: *Mutters* wouldn't bet on it mate.

**Sam**: Fine! *Rushes and tries to tackle Cat*

**Cat**: *Bats off Sam's attack*

**Sam**: *Crashes into chair*

**Cat**: Oh crap! You ok moose?

**Dean**: *Tries to stab Cat*

**Cat**: *Knocks knife out of hand* *sweeps legs out from under Dean and pins him to the ground!*

**Sam & Dean**: *In pain and on the floor*

**Dean**: What the fuck are you?

**Cat**: I'm awesome! Now Moose boy, sit in the chair you just knocked over!

**Sam**: *Mutters* I'm not a moose… *Sits in chair*

**Cat**: Now Dean I'm going to get up slowly and then you're going to sit in the chair. Ok?

**Dean**: *Rolls eyes* ok…

**Cat**: *Gets off and sits on chair*

**Dean**: *Sits in chair* so what do you want, you demonic son of a bitch.

**Cat**: Hey! Don't compare me to those cockroaches! I am so much better than Demons and Angels! God! Way to offend a girl Dean! And here I was thinking you were the ladies man!

**Dean**: *Slightly taken aback!* Sorry.

**Sam**: So if you're not a Demon or an Angel, what are you?

**Cat**: Well right now, I'm an interviewer! **Steve the papers!**

**Steve**: *Walks in and hands papers* *Looks at Sam & Dean* *Eye's turn black!*

**Dean**: You've got demons working for you?

**Cat**: Yeah and I've got an angel sleeping with me! Now since this is an Interview and nether one of you is in any danger, Sam you are going to move into the adjoining room and fill out the paper TRUTHFULLY and Dean you're going to fill out the paper in here while I go order some pie and drinks. Ok… GO!

*40mins of yelling at demons and collecting drinks and pie later*

**Cat**: So now that you boys have pie and I've found a lovely new replacement for Jess let's get this show on the road! Ok Erica would you read out the papers please.

**Erica**: Ok boss!

_Question one: The basic and well loved – Favorite colour?_

_Sam's Answer – Red? Maybe Black._

_Dean's Answer – what colour are your eyes, Blue? Then blue it is!_

**Cat**: Smooth move there buddy, but I'm already seeing some one.

**Dean**: Well tell him he's a very luck guy. What's his name?

**Cat**: Trust me luck's got nothing to do with it. Oh and his name's Lucifer.

**Sam**: *Spits out drink* Wait! You're dating Lucifer?

**Cat**: Well, I wouldn't call it dating…

**Sam**: but still… if I were to say yes to him… would that mean you and me would…. You know what I mean! *Embarrassed look*

**Cat**: No Sam. I have no idea what you're on about? *Serious look*

**Dean**: What he means's to say is, if he said yes to Lucifer, would you be fucking him?

**Cat**: …..

**Sam** **&** **Dean**: *Look to each other*

**Cat**: …..

**Dean**: Would you?

**Cat**: Shhhh I'm weighing the pro's and con's here.

**Erica**: Riiiiiigggghhhhttt. Okay I'm just going to go on with the questions here.

**Cat**: *Waves hand dismissively* *Goes back to thinking*

**Erica**:

_Question Two – What's your Sexual Orientation?_

_Sam's Answer: Straight._

_Dean's Answer: Straight._

**Cat**: *Bitch Face* Don't lie to me! I know all about your exploits! It was all on this thing called Fan Fiction!

**Sam & Dean**: What exploits!

**Cat**: Oh God. That Dean and Cas are OBVIOUSLY fucking each other. So are Sam and Gabriel! And there was this one time when Sam was training Adam! *Melts!*

**Erica**: Boss your confusing Reality and Porn again!

**Cat**: Nu-uh! I know it!

**Dean**: What do you mean me and Cas are obviously fucking each other? And how did you get Sam and Gabriel? I'm not even going to go into that sick thing with bringing up Adam!

**Cat**: Well Dean. One! You and Cas are always eye fucking each other! And Two! Cas told me you guys had sex! More than once I heard!

**Dean**: *Goes red* …

**Sam**: *Laughs*

**Cat**: I don't know what you're laughing about? You're just as bad with Gabriel! The amount of times that guy can have sex in the space of three hours is fucking astounding!

**Sam**: *Goes red* …

**Erica**: Ok back to the questions!

_Question three – Biggest Fear._

_Sam's Answer: Clowns._

_Dean's Answer: Flying._

**Cat**: *Sigh* you know what I don't understand these fears. I mean Sam what's so scary about a clown, apart from the overwhelming urge to punch them down?

**Sam**: There… There just weird ok?

**Cat**: Ok and Dean. Flying? You'd think you would have gotten used to it from being zapped everywhere by Cas!

**Dean**: Shut up, I don't question your fears! By the way what are they?

**Cat**: Worms…. Unnatural little fuckers they are! You cut them in half and they live! They LIVE! And then it's the way they move! Urgh *Bad Vibe Shake*

**Erica**: O.o *Worms? Really worms? Spiders are ten times scarier than worms! What she on about!* Ok,

_Question four – Weirdest Personal experience?_

_Dean's Answer: When we got tied up by those pagan gods on Christmas! And they kept saying Fudge!_

_Sam's Answer: When I lost the Rabbits foot and my luck went south. I mean I was just sitting there and the air-con unit catches fire!_

**Cat**: Whoa! But I've gotta say mine tops yours! One day I woke up tied to a bed with no recollection of the night before and a bizarre craving to start interviewing people…. What happened the night before…. No one knows! *Stares off into the distance*

**Dean**: *Leans over to Sam* She's just a bit weird isn't she?

**Erica**: *Leans over to Cat* Um boss, we have a slight problem.

**Cat**: *Looks up* Go on?

**Erica**: We've um run out of questions…

**Cat**: O.O ….. *Faints*

15 mins later.

**Erica**: Oh she's coming around. Cat? Can you hear me? DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT!

**Cat**: *Groans* What nonsense are you sprouting now hippy woman?

**Erica**: It's ok, Boss lady's ok!

**Dean**: So what happened?

**Cat**: You happened you charmingly handsome men! You're the first people to ever get passed four questions! Well done! Now PIE ALL ROUND!

**Dean**: Yersh!

* * *

><p><strong>10mins later<strong>

**Dean**: *Standing in the doorway arms full of pie boxes!* Thanks for the pie!

**Cat**: Oh no, Thank you for the Interview. You boys are always welcome to drop by and if you're ever in need of a bit of help don't hesitate to call! Here's my number *Writes down on Sam's arm*

**Sam**: *Chuckles* Well then see you around then, bye! *Door bell sounds*

**Erica**: I'm off too; see you for the next interview boss!

**Steve**: Me to.

**Cat**: Mkay, see you guys later. *Sits down with coffee* Ahhhh how nice, a wrapped up interview! No loose ends, I can finally relax…. On my own….. Alone at last. *Relaxes into chair*

*Flapping feathers*

**Cat**: Hello?

**Lucifer**: Owwwwww.

**Cat**: What's wrong with you? *Looks down to the floor*

**Lucifer**: I fell into Alistair's armory…. It hurt… a lot.

**Cat**: Awwww poor thing. Here have a beer!

**Lucifer**: Mkay. *Grabs beer*

**Cat**: Bloody hells, your cut up pretty good aren't you. That's a pretty nice gash on your leg to! Oh well, you strip down and I'll go get some bandages. *Walks off*

**Lucifer**: Sure thing. *Starts taking off shirt*

*Door bell rings*

**Sam**: Uh Cat Dean forgot his knife….* Stares at Lucifer, who is half way taking his clothes* GOOD GOD! Lucifer! Put a sock on the doorknob! I don't wana know what kinds of kinky things you get up to in your spare time!

**Cat**: *Walks back in* Luci, I couldn't find anything to tie em' up with…. Sam?

**Sam**: Oh my god? You too? *Rushes to grab Dean's knife* Seriously guys put a damn sock on the doorknob! God! *Leaves*

**Lucifer**: *Confused* What was that all about?

**Cat**: I have no idea….

* * *

><p>Will Sam ever get over the emotional trauma of seeing a 'Raunchy Satan'? Will Erica come back to this crazy job? Where the hell did Michael go? WHAT THE HELL IS CAT?<p>

Find out after another 5 reviews! : D

Cat out.

*Walks off into the distance.*


	4. Vessels

**Hello my wonderful minions!**

Yes yes hello! *Bows gratefully* oh flowers! Why thank you! Oh a small child! Um ok. *Begins to walk away from the random* …. Oh wait you want me to kiss it not keep it… sorry I misheard you. *Hands child back to the random!* well I'm back with a brand new chapter and guess what…..

…

…

…

**I BEAT WRITERS BLOCK! FUCK YEAH!**

*Fist pumps myself to victory*

And now a little quote from the person in the next interview

"A little Song

A little Dance

A little salsa, down your pants."

* * *

><p><strong>~~Vessels~~<strong>

***Michael appears, all happy and excited!***

**Cat**: *Looks up from drinking yet another coffee* Oh hey Michael… What's up?

**Michael**: Cat, Adam and I were talking and he's got this awesome plan for your interviews *Pauses* Oh Adam wants to talk to you, hang on.

**Cat**: O.o *He's lost it! Michael's finally cracked!*

**Adam**: Hi Cat, it's great to finally meet ya! Michael talks a lot about you, anyway you know your awesome interviews, I've got an awesome plan for one!

**Cat**: It's nice to meet you to Adam, and I've just gotta say your body is amazing! Anyway what's this awesome plan of yours?

**Adam**: Well I was talking to Michael and we were think, 'What if you did an interview with all the angels vessels?' it would be one hell of an interview!

**Cat**: Adam…. That maybe one of the best idea's I've heard in a long time! Come here you! *Hugs*

**Adam**: *Blushes* Well I-uh it would take a little while to get everyone together but we've got Michael on our side and he can tell all the other angels to come here and you can just call back Gabriel and Castiel. And don't you and Lucifer share an apartment or something, so we can get him here to!

**Cat**: Give me three hours but please you and Michael make yourselves at home here and try not to kill my demonic lackeys!

**Adam**: Oh ok, see you soon then!

**Cat**: Aww your adorable! *Hugs again* see ya around then! *Snap*

* * *

><p><strong>*2 hours and 59mins later*<strong>

**Cat**: *Holding Balthazar's vessel Lukas by the arm* so finally all of you together! I don't think I missed anyone, so let's get this underway! How bout a simple Name and Angelic vessel in AA (Alcoholics anonymous) style? Adam, you start I'm gonna grab some beers. ... (Did anyone pick up my awesomeness in this line?)

**Adam**: Well as you probably guessed, I'm Adam. And I am Michael's vessel, Mkay your next! *Points to the right*

**Lukas**: Well hello ladies, my name is Lukas and I'm Balthazar's vessel, your turn darling!

**Mina**: Don't call me darling, Call me Mina. It's my name and I am Rachel's vessel.

**Gregory**: Hello, my name's Gregory and I am the vessel for Zachariah.

**Jimmy**: Hey, I'm Jimmy and I'm Castiel's vessel.

**Daniela**: H-hi I'm uh Daniela, but uh you can call me Danny if you want. I'm uh Raphael's vessel.

**Tristan**: Nice to meet ya'll, name's Tristan, I'm about 1000 and something years older than all ya'll so guess that makes me Gabriel's vessel.

**Nick**: Hi there guy's my name's Nick and I'm uh *Chuckles* Lucifer's vessel!

**Cat**: All right then! All drinks are on me, take whatever you want and we'll start up this interview!

**Tristan**: Yay free drinks!

**Cat**: Help yourself! Ok guys this is how it's gonna go down. Half of you are going to be taken away by the lovely lady who's just getting her ass in the room. *Whistles* Erica, Are you gonna get in here anytime soon, or are you going to just keep flirting with Steve?

**Erica**: *Rushes in the room with an annoyed expression* I wasn't flirting with Steve! I was getting you some more coffee! *Hands coffee*

**Cat**: *Is touched* Awwww thank you! See I am loved!

**Nick**: *Mumbles* Don't I know about it!

**Tristan**: *Whispers to Nick* what do you mean about that?

**Nick**: I mean Lucifer and her have an uh 'thing'?

**Tristan**: What do you mean by 'thing'?

**Nick**: I mean they live together, they sleep together but they refuse to say that there dating.

**Cat**: Nick. Shhhh! Or I'll be tempted to not remind Lucifer to eat food.

**Nick**: But I need to eat!

**Cat**: Then I suggest you answer the question sheet aaannnnnnddd bring me another Beer.

**Nick**: Yes Cat! *Hands Beer*

**Cat**: *Grabs Beer* Why thank you Nick! Now shall we begin? Erica love, the papers?

**Erica**: Right here darling. *Motions to the papers*

**Cat**: Ok. Here's how this is going down. You're going to be split into pairs and sent to separate rooms to complete the questionnaires, Mkay? Erica hand out the papers.

**Erica**: *Hands a paper to the eight vessels*

**Cat**: Ok chaps, take your partner and head off over yonder!

* * *

><p><strong>*Group splits off into rooms*<strong>

Nick & Adam's room – All you can hear if laughter.

Tristan & Gregory's room – Glass breaking and familiar laughter, followed by yelling.

Jimmy & Danny's room – Quiet chatter.

Lukas & Mina's room – Lukas trying and failing to hit on Mina.

**Cat:** *Sigh* it's going to take forever to get them all out of their rooms and back here.

**Steve**: C-can I offer a suggestion miss?

**Cat**: *Obvious annoyance* Steve what did I say about your mouth?

**Steve**: *Looks to the floor, like a kicked puppy* That it's better off closed…

**Cat**: *Turns around and sees the look* GOD DAMN IT! STOP MAKING THAT FACE!

**Steve**: I'm sorry miss, I just wanted to help… *Still doing the face*

**Cat**: *Sighs feeling defeated.* Ok go put your little suggestion into action, *Like it will ever work : P*

**Steve**: YAY! *Sounding quite girly for the 6'4 grizzly man* *goes off*

**Cat**: *Is confused* -.- great I give in and tell him to help and he FUCKS OFF! YEAH THAT'S RIGHT I'm TALKING TO YOU STEVE!

*Fire alarm goes off*

**Cat**: O: What the fuck! *Looks for anything of value* No this is my favorite T-Shirt it can't get burned! FLEEEEEEEEEEEEE! *Begins running for the door*

**Steve**: *On the other side of the door holding the keys looking rather stupid*

**Cat**: Steve, move out of the way.

**Steve**: ….. no.

**Cat**: What. Did. You. Say?

**Steve**:…..no?

**Cat**: *Intense rage!* **STEVE YOU- BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPP**….. This scene was cut due to complaints from other demons about racial slurs to their species and grotesque torture imagery, but here's the watered down T rated version….. Resume clip now!

**STEVE YOU FUCKING BASTARD! I AM GOING TO RIP YOUR FUCKING EYES OUT AND MAKE YOU EAT THEM WITH YOUR BRAIN AS A SIDE DISH! SERVED IN A TRAY OF YOUR EARS! STEVE….. Open. The. Door. NOW! **

**Steve**: Miss?

**Cat**: What! You insignificant pile if slop! WHO IS NO BETTER THAN THE DIRT ON MY SHOE!

**Steve**: Miss?

**Cat**: What! Spit it out jackass!

**Steve**: Your interviewees are behind you.

**Cat**: *Slowly turns around…* Huh sup guys? *Turns back to Steve* How the fuck are you doing that!

**Steve**: Maybe I'm not this insignificant pile of slop after all?

**Cat**: *Looks to the floor.* Sorry Steve….

**Steve**: I….. Want a pay rise!

**Cat**: I'm not that sorry!

**Lukas**: Oh give the man a pay rise!

**Cat**: *Evil eye's Lukas* Fine! Steve you can have your pay rise! Now, no more interruptions, on with the interviews!

**Cat**: Right, everybody comfy? So how are we gonna do this?

**Adam**: Why don't we just do it like normal?

**Cat**: Great idea Adam! Erica! Come do your job!

**Erica**: Steve got a pay rise…. I want a pay rise to!

**Cat**: What? No!

**Erica**: Then I won't do my job!

**Cat**: *Head Desk* Fine! You can have a pay rise to…

**Erica**: YAY! Ok,

_**Question**__**one**__ – everybody's favorite, favorite colour?_

_**Adam's**__**Answer**__ – Green, it's a really nice colour!_

_**Nick's**__**Answer**__ – Grey I guess…._

_**Lukas's**__**Answer**__ – Black, sleek and simple._

_**Mina's**__**Answer**__ – A light blue, like my denim jacket._

_**Jimmy's**__**Answer**__ – the colour of my over coat._

**Cat**: Don't you mean trench coat?

**Jimmy**: No it's an over coat! *Gives a sassy look!*

**Cat: ***Has been sassed.*

_**Daniela's**__**Answer**__- Brown? Like chocolates?_

_**Gregory's**__**Answer**__ – Green, Like the colour of the almighty green back!_

_**Tristan's**__**Answer**__ – Caramel and Gold, Do I really need to explain why?_

**Cat**: *Goes to speak*

**Erica**: *Sees Cat going to say something*

**Question two!** – In five words or less describe your experience as an angel condom?

_**Adam's**__**Answer**_– Meh!

_**Nick's Answer **_– Burning, Painful, Disturbing, Bloody, Etc.

_**Lukas's**__**Answer**_– Sex, Drugs, Alcohol, Rock n Roll.

_**Mina's**__**Answer**_– Brief.

_**Jimmy's**__**Answer**_– Like being chained to a comet.

**Cat**: *Mumbles* that's six words…

_**Daniela's**__**Answer**_– Odd…

_**Gregory's**__**Answer**_– Same old, Same old.

_**Tristan's**__**Answer**_– Entertaining to say the least.

**Cat**: Nick. *Give a hug* its ok, I'll be nice to you!

**Nick**: *Awkwardly returns the hug* Uh ok, you're always nice to me anyway.

**Cat**: Oh thank you! And you to Jimmy, you need a hug to! *Leans over*

**Jimmy**: O.O *Leans back away from the hug*

**Tristan**: *Shoves Jimmy forward into the oncoming hug!*

**Jimmy**: O : *Is hugged…..* I- uh I … Ok.

**Cat**: *Goes back and sits down* On with the questions Slave!

**Erica**: Pay Rise!

**Cat**: What?

**Erica**: Pay….. Rise….

**Cat**: *Grumbles* fine…. Bitch.

**Erica**: ANOTHER ONE!

**Cat**: ARGHGH! FINEEEE!

**Erica**: Ok!

_**Question**__**Three **__– The well-loved Sexual orientation question._

_**Adam's Answer **__- Straight, although after Michael meh I guess I'm a bit curious._

_**Nick's Answer **__- Straight, but after Sarah… I guess it's a little bit nerve racking._

_**Lukas's Answer **__– Anything goes!_

_**Mina's Answer **__– Lesbian._

**Lukas**: No wonder you weren't falling form my charm!

**Tristan**: You don't have any charm!

**Mina**: Tell me about it, my dogs have more charm than _you!_

_**Jimmy's Answer **__– Straight, although Castiel has a thing for that Dean Winchester._

_**Daniela's Answer **__– Straight, I had a boyfriend before Raphael showed up._

_**Gregory's**__**Answer**__- Straight, I have a Wife and two kids, who are now in their late teens I guess._

_**Tristan's**__**Answer**__ – Anything goes._

Cat: Oh well then tha-

***KABOOOOM!***

**Cat**: *Freaks out and holds pillow over head for defense!* What the hell was that?

**Erica**: I don't know…. Let me go check. *Walks off*

* * *

><p><strong>Five minutes later…<strong>

***AHHHHHHHHHHHH! THUMP!***

**Cat**: Now what was that? Fuck it I'm going to go and scope it out. You kiddies hold tight! *walks off toward the noise*

***Finally gets up the stairs.* *Opens the ominous looking door…. To see***

**Cat**: Oh My Chuck…

* * *

><p>BUM BU BUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! What is the ominous looking thing at the top of the stairs? It is a monster? Is a minion gone mad? Is the drunken hobo from down the street!<p>

Find out soon!

* * *

><p>So did you folks get my awesomeness in that line up there? yeah that line! it is the result of being awake at 4'oclock in the morning when my mind works the best! and i didn't notice it until i did i final read though! Fuck i'm awesome! XD<p>

Anyways did you folks figure out who's in the next interview yet? Or do I have to tell you? …. Well from the blank look I'm getting from you Mr. Computer screen! I'll have to tell you. Drum roll please!

*Drrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuummmmmm roooooooooooollllllllll!*

And the people who are in the next part of the supernaturalish interviews are

CROWLEY! And maybe if you're lucky and he's not grouchy BOBBY! (Or Crowley's one and only love GABREIL! AGAIN!)

* * *

><p><strong>The Creator's note! Pay attention minions!<strong>

Ok ok ok since this is one of my bigger reviewing stories I want to do something new! *Roll advertisement*

*Puts on fancy mustache*

"**Have you ever had a question or a random dare you have wanted a supernatural character to answer/perform?**

**Well you're in luck! **

**Because the awesome author of this story is on the verge of running out of interview questions!"**

***Crawls out of the hole that she calls her room* "CURSE YOU WRITERS BLOCK!"**

"**Well that was amazing! Our creator gracing us with her presence! Now to send in your questions and dares today, all you folks have to do is press that little review question below and feed the beast that is our creator's imagination! Thank you for reading!"**

So if the awesome person with the fancy mustache wasn't clear just send me your questions and dares in the reviews and I'll make my best efforts to incorporate them into the story! (Mwhaha Crowley quote again!)

Soooo have fun boys and girls, you know stay in school and all that jazz and hopefully I will see you and your ideas soon!

Your creator has left the building…. Or have I?


	5. Crowley

Right oh! Hello my pretties! That's right I'm talking to you gorgeous! *Winks*

*Random faints*

O.O *Walks away slowly* You saw nothing!

* * *

><p>So here we are chapter five and cause today I am AWESOME! I am so awesome I completely owned my in class essay which was worth a ¼ of my mark in history! So *FIST PUMPS* FUCK YEAH!<p>

Now my pretties, I need to touch it

O.O

Touch it?

Yes Touch it.

* * *

><p>So here we go round five, today we have the specials of<p>

Insight: What the fuck is a Cat?

And then shortly after some more of the random and some times hilarious stuff that fills my brain and decides to burst out in extremely inappropriate situations like exams!

Anyways have fun you kids! Happy reading!

Round five

* * *

><p><strong>Cat<strong>: *Crash, Bang* What the hell's going on up here!

**God**: Hello little sister. I'm glad you are well.

**Cat**: Oh hello Bro! How's the house in Oahu? I hear you've finally got the plumbing fixed.

**God**: Yes yes, a number of my children are wanting there vessels back so if you don't mind, will you return them?

**Cat**: Huh? Oh yeah, sure thing! Quick question though.

**God**: Of course.

**Cat**: Why this Vessel, Why Chuck? I mean you could have chosen anyone.

**God**: Because he had a well developed taste for Whiskey and Prostitutes! Oh no wait, I was meant to say Prophecy's!

**Cat**: *Is slightly disgusted at my brother's actions.* Ok then… shoo Brother I have people to do and things to see…. I always get that one mixed up. *Looks down, see's Erica dead (Head exploded due to God's voice.)* Bro you killed my assistant… oh well at least I won't have to give her another pay rise.

**God**: Oh right sorry about that…. Well I'm off! *Dissolves into thin air*

* * *

><p><strong>Cat<strong>: *Walks back down into interview room* Ok then, thank you for your help but a number of people want to see you now, so I'm going to have to let you go before I get beaten up. Uh Nick you're staying with me.

*Everybody leaves part from Nick and Adam*

**Cat**: Adam? What are you still doing here?

**Adam**: Michael told me he'd come and pick me up from here and not to go anywhere else.

**Nick**: I think that's what's going on with Lucifer to.

**Cat**: *Sigh* What do I look like? A day care service? Hey you boys want a drink?

**Crowley**: I wouldn't mind some Craig love.

**Cat**: Oh hey Crowley! *Smiles Evilly* So you, my dear little Crowley sold me a stupid demon. And I'm betting you knew it was stupid to!

**Crowley**: I never!

**Cat**: Don't lie to the creator of Hell Crowley, it never ends well.

**Crowley**: There is nothing you could do that I wouldn't enjoy love.

**Adam & Nick**: *Whispering* Interview, Interview, Interview.

**Crowley**: *Goes Pale* No not that.

**Cat**: Oh twist my arm why don't you boys! *Pulls Crowley by the ear to the interview room*

* * *

><p><strong>Crowley<strong>: I really don't want to do this you know!

**Cat**: Well tough luck cupcake! It's either this or I'll make you single handedly clean the river Styx!

**Crowley**: Well what do you want to know?

**Cat**: Well since this is just a one on one interview. I'll ask the questions, you'll answer them, sound good?

**Crowley**: Sounds peachy. *Sarcastic eye roll*

**Cat**: I saw that.

**Adam & Nick**: *Whispering* Hit him, go on hit him!

**Crowley**: You two are like children, you know that?

**Nick**: W-We're not children! We are drunk!

**Adam**: Very, VERY drunk! There are like six of you!

**Crowley**: …. Ok then ask away Cat.

**Cat**: Starting off with the Basics

_What's your favorite color?_

**Crowley**: Black. It just suits my personality perfectly.

**Cat**: *Mumbles* Along with your heart.

**Crowley**: along with what?

**Cat**: Your amazing Demonic skills!

**Crowley**: Ah stop you're embarrassing me; I mean I am the King of Hell

**Cat**: *Mumbles* Only cause I'm busy….

_Question two,_

_Do you know what Growley is?_

**Crowley**: *Smirks* Oh yes. Yes I do!

**Nick**: E-Explain!

**Cat**: Gabriel/Crowley….. Together.

**Adam**: O.O Ooooooh!

**Nick**: *Leans over to Adam* Explain?

**Adam**: When a Demon and an Angel try to annoy each other, it normally cancels out into angry sex.

**Nick**: Oooooooh!

**Crowley**: Right now you can all have the mental image of me buggering that son of god.

**Nick & Adam**: Ahhh the horror!

**Cat**: ….Ok moving on.

_Question three_

_Now we know you sold your soul back when you were human for some extra length but this one comes from the a lovely friend of mine,_

_Just how big is it now?_

**Crowley**: Ah well you can tell that friend of yours as big as she wants it to be.

**Cat**: *Waiting for the boys to put there drunken comment in….. Still waiting… Looks around* Hey! Where did the boys go?

**Crowley**: I don't know; what do I look like a day care center?

**Cat**: You will if you annoy me! Help me find them Crowley.

**Crowley**: Or what? You're already interviewing me, what else could you possibly do to me?

**Cat**: I'll come back down to hell... and I'll bring the stupid demon with me.

**Steve**: *Walks in* Boss did you need me? I heard my name?

**Crowley**: Oh look it even responds to being called a stupid demon! Not a good argument Cat.

**Cat**: Ok then *Leans forward* March 6th 1992… now do you really want the events of that night to become public or would you rather do as I say?

**Crowley**: O.O How do you even know about that night!

**Cat**: Doesn't matter how I know. It just matters that I know, so are you going to help me?

**Crowley**: Yes of course.

**Cat**: Great, you take this floor I'll look upstairs.

**Steve**: What do I look for Miss?

**Cat**: A brain Steve. A brain.

* * *

><p><strong>Adam<strong>: Hey Nick, What do you think is in this box?

**Nick**: I dunno? It looks old though! Real old…

**Adam**: That's deep man…..

**Nick& Adam**: *Go to open box*

*FLASH BANG!*

Michael & Lucifer appear.

**Michael**: Ok now kiddos don't open that box.

**Crowley**: *appears* Why not? It's just a box mate.

**Lucifer**: Oh god another one of my stupid creations… Look at it idiot it's Pandora's Box!

**Nick & Adam**: *Go pale, slowly put the box down and back up…. Rather quickly!*

**Michael**: Ah good choice Adam, Ready to come back now?

**Adam**: *Slurrs* Yeah I guess!

*Flash*

**Lucifer**: You to Nick.

**Nick**: No!

**Lucifer**: What! Why not?

**Nick**: Because you are clumsy! You've broken more of my bones and given me more Scars than I could ever get in a life time!

**Cat**: I'll heal you up Nick, now get back to him. I know you don't hate him, go on now.

*Flash!*

**Michael**: Oh Crap! *Falls over on jelly legs*

**Lucifer**: Cat? Why are there three of you? I mean one is pretty enough but three?

**Cat**: Oh thank you Lucifer, Look Crowley even while drunk he's still a charming old snake!

**Crowley**: *Mummbles* Not a charming as me….

**Cat**: Quit lying Crowley. Anyway we have to get them downstairs. *Puppy dog look* Help Me?

**Crowley**: No Way! ….. Stop looking at me like that….. I-I'm not….. FINE! *Picks up Michael*

**Cat**: *Score!* *Picks up Lucifer*

**Lucifer**: Oh there's no need to do that gorgeous! I can walk.

**Cat**: If you're sure, but be careful there are stairs….

**Lucifer**: There are wh-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *CRASH!* Owwwwww.

**Crowley** **&** **Michael**: *Uncontrable laughter ensues!*

**Cat**: Hey! Are you ok?

**Lucifer**: *Muffled groaning*

**Cat**: Oh crap is that his spine?

**Crowley**: Oh well what do ya know I always thought he was spineless!

**Cat**: Oh shut it Crowley, that's two more interview questions for you!

**Crowley**: SHIT!

**Cat**: *Hops down to heal Lucifer's neck*

**Lucifer**: Ah thanks for that babe! *Stands up*

**Cat**: Oh you are welcome *Smiles*

**Lucifer**: *Grins, Picks up Cat*

**Cat**: Huh Ah! Wait no! I've got more people to interview!

**Lucifer**: Oh they can wait! *Begins carrying Cat out the door* Hey! Michael are you coming?

**Michael**: Wouldn't miss it! *Ditches Crowley's arm.*

**Cat**: Not you to Michael! There's interviewing to be done!

**Lucifer**: Not when there's screwing to be done!

**Michael**: What he said!

**Lucifer** **&** **Michael**: *Fly off*

**Crowley**: … Does this mean I'm free to go?

**Steve**: Did the boss say so?

**Crowley**: Holy Titty Fucking Christ! Where did you come from?

**Steve**: Looking for a brain, I found a pretty box though! Look at all the pretty writing Crowley! I wonder if it has a brain in it!

**Crowley**: Wha? NO WAIT THA-

*FLASH BANG!*

**Crowley**: What the hell was that!

**Steve**: Boss lady didn't say you could leave. YoU CaN NeVeR LeAvE! *Mouth foams*

**Crowley**: Holy Hell! *Tries to escape!*

**Steve**: *Turns Zombie and knocks out Crowley* NeVeR LeAvE… *Drags Crowley into the cellar, banning his head on every corner possible*

Hello My Pretties, I have a new play mate for you!

**Room** **Full** **Of** **Cats:** Meow!

**Crowley**: *Begins to Come to* No… not Cat's I have allergies!

* * *

><p>So will Cat be back in time for the next interviews or will she be gone for weeks on end? What will happen to Steve? Will he start the next zombie apocalypse? And even then will Crowley survive the cats?<p>

Tune in next time and leave your requests in the review!

Next chapter, here's a hint….. Demonic awesomness!

And Oh! An extra special adoring thank you I love you Hug and appreciation for Lucifersgirl, I will get around to that scene eventually! In the mean time *Opens arms*


	6. Demons to Sex

Alright! Hello I'm back!

Ok the content of this chapter has been hinted and nudged at until it was the only thing running through my 2am sugar high brain. So this one goes out to Lucifersgirl, it's not as pervy as it could be although its very highly implied. BUT! Don't despair! I am currently in the middle of writing this HIGHLY pervy Lucifer/Michael in the cage fic which should be finished soon, so keep an eye out for that!

Sooooooooo

*Put on fancy Mustache and monocle and sips on Pepsi Max out of an expensive glass like a PRO!*

On with the fic!

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter six.<strong>

*Banging on doors*

**Crowley**: Help me! Please *Achoo* Urgh! Damn you, you deadly balls of fur!

**Elaine**: (New assistant.) *Walks in. notes Steve is a foaming mess on the floor* Hang on a second! *Unlocks door*

**Crowley**: Ah thank you for that miss! I shall grant you with anything you want for this!

**Elaine**: Yeah, yeah thank me properly later. Now get out.

**Crowley**: *Confused* I can give you anything you want and you're telling me later?

**Elaine**: Yeah well I've got some high level demons scheduled to be here any minute and I'm not too keen to clean up another massacre today!

**Crowley**: Wait… what do you mean another massacre?

**Elaine**: They woke me up… -.-

**Crowley**: Ooookkkaaayyy then, later it is! Farewell … uh what's your name?

**Elaine**: ….. It's Elaine. Now leave.

**Crowley**: *Poof*

**Elaine**: Awesome where's the boss lady? She should be here by now…. I better clean this mess up, is that blood on the stairs? Bugger.

* * *

><p>*2 hours later*<p>

**Meg**: Heeelloooo? Anybody in? Ooooh a kitty! You'd be nice in a sandwich!

**Elaine**: *Walks out carrying … a now dead Steve.* Hello please make your way to the back. *Creepy smile*

**Meg**: Who are you you're not the boss's girlfriend?

**Elaine**: Make your way to the back *Evil Creeper smile!*

**Meg**: Making my way to the back. *Sighs*

**Elaine**: Excellent choice. *Disposes of Steve…. In a humane way people! We did NOT cut him up into little pieces for being so stupid and then feed him to hellhounds only to burn the hounds for eating such bad quality of demon! We would never do something like that, Never! How could you think such a thing! Disgraceful!*

**Azazel**: Hello, you stunning piece of work! Is your boss in?

**Elaine**: She's on her way; please make your way round the back.

**Azazel**: *Notices the pissed mist* Right to the back.

**Elaine**: *Mumbles* Where the hell is the boss? I should give her a call.

*Dials number*

**Elaine**: Hello? Is this Cat?

**Phone**: No this is Lucifer… uh Cat is preoccupied right now… hang on a sec *Muffled* Hey Michael stop trying to talk her into bondage, we all know you're a kinky bastard! *Un muffled* Still there?

**Elaine**: *Slightly disturbed* Yeeaahh.

**Phone *Muffled in background* Voice one**: Oh god!

**Voice** **two**: Oh gross that's my brother!

**Voice one *Slightly deeper***: That's my father Adam, gross!

**Phone**: Yeeaahh, Cat's not going to be in today if I can help it! *Bed squeaks* Oh hey darling. What? No I'm on the phone. Ah! That tickles! Noo!

**Phone**: *Clunk… followed by laughing and lots of bed squeaking!*

**Elaine**: *Thoroughly disturbed! Hangs up phone*

**Ruby**: Hey the boss man sent me here? He said you had French fries!

**Elaine**: *Still disturbed* Round the back….

**Ruby**: Ok!

**Elaine**: I'm screwed….

**Elaine**: *Sigh* this leaves me no choice… I'm going to have to drag the boss lady out! And that only entails getting passed two horny Archangels and convincing a… whatever the hell Cat is to come and do the interviews… ok this should be fun!

**Azazel**: Hey woman! Is the boss man gonna show or what?

**Elaine**: Yeah I'm just going to get her now…. Uhhhh help yourself to the pantry!

**Ruby**: Yesss! French Fries, oh how I've missed you!

**Elaine**: Yeeaahh Whatever, I'll be back inside about an hour. Don't wreck anything otherwise it's the boss lady you're gonna deal with!

**Meg**: Yeah yeah! Now leave so I can open this tequila!

**Elaine**: Oh god… *Leaves in Search of a Cat*

* * *

><p>*Cat's &amp; Lucifer's rather expensive looking apartment*<p>

**Elaine**: *Knock, Knock* Hey open up!

**Michael**: *Opens door, naked* So are you the Stripper we hired? Or are you bringing our pizza?

**Elaine**: *Sever blushing!* O-Oh Ah Ummm….. I need to see Cat?

**Michael**: Oh she's busy with Lucifer but really why see Cat when you have all this to look at? Yeah I know this vessel is just so attractive! I can see you struggling not to look at it! *Strokes hands over body*

**Elaine**: I have no idea what you're talking about. *Staring at the ceiling.* I need to speak with Cat.

**Michael**: *sighs in disappointment* Ok come on in.

**Elaine**: Thank you *Still staring at the ceiling.*

**Michael**: Uh lady? There's a wall there.

**Elaine**: A wha- *Bang* Ow.

*Muffled squeaking*

**Michael**: Hey you two! *Bangs on door* Strippers here!

**Elaine**: I'm not a Stripper!

*Door opening*

**Lucifer**: *Pokes head out of door* What's going on?

**Michael**: This Stripper who's not a Stripper who hasn't got pizza and wants to talk to your girlfriend.

**Elaine**: Are stoned or something?

**Michael**: Maybe, kinda, sorta.

**Lucifer**: In translation, yeah he is. Now who are you?

**Elaine**: The chick you spoke to on the phone. I need Cat to come to work.

**Lucifer**: And I told you she's busy… now go away meat sack!

**Elaine**: I'm not a friggin meat sack! Now move out of the way so I can get my boss you ape!

**Michael**: Hey, that's my brother! And I'm the only one who gets verbally abuse him, now stop talking and start stripping!

**Elaine**: I'm NOT A STRIPPER!

**Lucifer**: Michael enough, if the whore wants to become a bowl of chunky soup…She can keep talking. -.-

**Elaine**: I…..

**Lucifer**: Ah see Michael it learned!

**Michael**: Yeah but it's still not stripping.

**Elaine**: I'm no- *looks at Lucifer apologetically*

**Lucifer**: Whatever. You! Meat sack! Do as my brother says… now if you two kids excuse me I have a beautiful woman strapped to my bed and I wish to get back to fucking her!

**Elaine**: Wait what? You're leaving me with stoner over here?

**Lucifer**: Obviously, now I suggest you start stripping.

**Elaine**: What about the demons in the interview room?

**Lucifer**: *Sigh* Give me your phone…

**Elaine**: Sure. *Hands over phone* speed dial 7.

**Michael**: What pizza?

**Elaine**: No the interview rooms.

**Lucifer**: Shut up, I'm on the phone!

**Phone**: Hello, Yellow eyes here.

**Lucifer**: Azazel, when are you going to get over that nickname the Winchester gave you?

**Phone**: When old Johnny boy returns my phone calls!

**Lucifer**: *Sigh* Azazel, I know you killed the blonde haired woman just so you could have John but really? You couldn't have thought of a better way to get your rocks off? Kidnapping maybe? A war buddy in nam? Possess a woman for fucks sakes?

**Phone**: It's all part of our dance! I'll get him eventually, so what's up boss?

**Lucifer**: The woman's who's meant to be interviewing you lot is busy today, well I say busy but in actual fact she's tied to my bed soooo yeah you guys go do what you demons do when you're not needed.

**Phone**: Drink and make merry?

**Lucifer**: Yeah that, now leave I've got fucking to do!

*Click*

**Elaine**: Soooo can I go now?

**Lucifer**: No. Do your job and entertain Michael!

**Elaine**: This really wasn't in the job description… meet new and interesting people, free alcohol, NOT STRIPPING FOR A HORNY ARCHANGEL!

**Lucifer**: Shut up and do it before I smite you human!

**Michael**: Yess! Thank you Luci!

**Lucifer**: Michael….. WHAT DID I SAY WOULD HAPPEN TO YOU IF YOU CALLED ME THAT AGAIN! *Slams door open* *See's a foot tied to the bed*

**Michael**: Ah, Lucifer! Noooo! Don't cut it off! LUCIFER! I NEED THAT THING!

**Lucifer**: IT'S YOUR HAND MICHAEL, YOU HAVE ANOTHER ONE!

**Michael**: EXACTLY! I NEED IT FOR WANKING! STOP TRYING TO CUT IT OFF!

**Lucifer**: I WARNED YOU MICHAEL!

**Elaine**: I'm just gonna leave now…

**Michael & Lucifer**: SIT YOUR ASS DOWN!

**Elaine**: Sitting down…

**Lucifer**: Michael give me your hand, you can grow it back later!

**Michael**: Nooooo! *Swings leg upwards*

**Lucifer**: Urgh! *Goes down in pain*

**Michael**: *Takes the knife away from Lucifer* Now I'm going to take the Stripper lady to my bed room… you…. You just stay here. *Leaves… Dragging Elaine by the arm*

**Lucifer**: Michael, I will beat you… at a later date, I'm just going to lie here for a second…. Bastard.

**Cat**: I'm still in here!

**Lucifer**: O : Coming!

*Doors slam*

* * *

><p>Well there you go hope you liked it! I've got another chapter lined up but PLEASE guys send me some promts or some questions they're like sugar to me in withdrawal!<p>

So Next chapter hint:

**OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM**

**Everything is better with cheese!**

_UNLESS YOU LACTOS INTOLERANT! (Like yours truly!)_


	7. Leviathan

So guys, cause I'm in a good mood I thought I'd give you this chapter fresh of the press after my like 6000000 time of watching the season 7 Premier. So here we go, more of my normal overly eccentric self, dashed with some humor and randomness!

ENJOY

*Hands story to you on silver plate!*

: D

* * *

><p><strong>Cat<strong>: Oh for hell's sakes… Elaine! Stop smoking with Michael and grab me some pain killers.

**Lucifer**: Here, best pain killers on the streets. That was a brilliant weekend. *Leans on Cat's shoulder*

**Cat**: Oh can't deny that gorgeous! Now since you sent your demons out to punk Crowley, who are we going to interview?

**Leviathan**: What about me?

**Lucifer**: Castiel? No you're not Cas who are you?

**Leviathan**: Oh Castiel… He's, He's dead! We run the show now!

**Lucifer**: Yeah but who are you?

**Leviathan**: Your girlfriend knows! Dontcha!

**Cat**: Ah! Levi! … I'm not his girlfriend!

**Lucifer**: Words hurt Cat.

**Levi**: Awwww still so harsh with the words Cat! Remember you and me? How much fun we had?

**Cat**: Much to my brother's complaint!

**Levi**: Ah yes, God so protective of his rebellious sister!

**Lucifer**: Ok ok ok ok hold up a second! So I've been dating, yes I'm saying dating because that's what we've been doing… God's sister?

**Levi**: Oh yeah, but you better watch it otherwise I'll come in and take your girl away from you Lucifer!

**Lucifer**: No way! *Slides arms around Cat's waist* I'm not letting you take this one, she's my amazing woman!

**Cat**: Did I ever tell you that I love it when you're bossy?

**Lucifer**: I seem to remember you saying something like that the other night.

**Levi**: Oh the pain of rejection! The pain!

**Cat**: Oh behave!

**Lucifer**: Ok, well I'm going. Stuff to do and all that, see you tonight. And don't bring a thing, my treat! *Leaves*

**Levi**: Seems like you've one hot piece of ass there!

**Cat**: Oh yeah …. *Drifts off* Oh right interviews!

**Levi**: Right on!

**Cat**: ELAINE! GET YOUR ASS IN HERE AND STOP SMOKING WITH MICHAEL!

**Elaine**: Hey brahhh. *Takes drag*

**Levi**: Can I tap that?

**Elaine**: Dude no! Sup boss?

**Cat**: Dude, stoned again? Michael really is a bad influence on you humans!

**Levi**: Pass us that shit would ya, this vessel is so tight! It's like living inside a virgin! URGH!

**Elaine**: Yeah brahhhh! *Passes joint!*

**Cat**: Oh great more stoners!

**Levi**: Hey, I created this stuff back when I was walking around last time, before your brother put me in purgatory!

**Cat**: Alright, Alright! Let's get on with the interviews hey Levi!

**Levi**: Right on!

* * *

><p><strong>Levi<strong>: You know that this is some good pot right Cat?

**Cat**: Yeah I know but I'd like a clear head for tonight.

**Levi**: Oh yeah, you and your boyfriend have something planned tonight. Wanna fill me in? Perhaps make this a threesome?

**Cat**: Actually it's all Lucifer's plans for tonight; I've got no idea what he's up to but maybe another night? Cause I can remember quite clearly how much fun we had.

**Levi**: Oh I remember quite clearly darling and let me just say this vessel it has it's perks!

**Cat**: Ok calm down, later Levi later! Now Elaine, questions.

**Elaine**: _Question one, routine man, favorite color._

**Levi**: When I was around there was only two colors I paid attention to was the colors you created and my dinner.

**Cat**: Levi, always the charmer.

**Levi**: Don't you know it!

**Elaine**: Whatever,

_Question two, What went on with you and Cat?_

**Levi**: Well *Looks over to Cat* What didn't we do? Sex, Your brothers new plant life, Create our own things to make the time go by, Angry sex in that place… oh what's it called now... Hell?

**Cat**: Oh I remember that, I remember Big brother letting me create that place. I spent so much time on that place only for you to come along to have highly rough sex there, I swear that sex took me years to heal everything after that I don't think hell was ever quite the same after that.

**Elaine**:_ Question three, Why take over Castiel?_

**Levi**: Well just look at this body! I mean these hipbones alone! Seriously fuck me now! I just have to walk into a club and instantly it turns into an orgy!

**Elaine**: Oh god, this place is just a bunch of perv's

_Question Three, _ _Not that I really want to ask but…. *Sigh* Sexual orientation?_

**Levi**: Oh well, what haven't I done? Everything that came through Purgatory, Cat multiple times, my brothers and sisters etc. etc. And since I've been out most of the men and women in America.

**Cat**: Oh so your brothers and sisters huh?

**Levi**: Well if you want to get technical about it you're screwing your nephew and his brothers.

**Elaine**: OOOOOKKKKKAAAAYYYY moving on!

_Question four, Biggest fear._

**Levi**: An Angry Cat… that's terrifying….. but sexy at the same time!

**Cat**: *Goes to speak*

**Elaine**: *Cuts Cat off*

_Question five. Weirdest personal experience?_

**Cat**: *Why do these slaves think they can cut me off all the time!*

**Levi**: Hey remember that time I was screwing you and your brother walked in… and he just stood there waiting for us to finish? That was weird!

**Cat**: Yes my brother always did tend to be like that!

**Elaine**: Hey how come I haven't met your brother?

**Cat**: Do you wanna? Be warned your head might explode!

**Elaine**: Figuratively or literally?

**Cat**: Literally…

**Elaine**: Ok no brother meeting for me!

**Cat**: ok then…. ON WITH THE QUESTIONS WHORE!

**Elaine**: I'm not a whore!

**Cat**: Oh ok then…. ON WITH THE QUESTIONS STRIPPER!

**Elaine**: I'm not a…. oh I give up!

_Question six, how many leviathan things are out there now anyways?_

**Levi**: Oh I'd say a good 200 hundred by now, but it's only been a week! Don't judge!

**Elaine**: I didn't say anything.

**Levi**: But you were thinking it!

*Whoosh*

**Lucifer**: Hey Cat are you ready?

**Cat**: Yeah sure give me a sec, I've got to get some crap from the back. *Walks off*

**Levi**: Hey Lucifer, I'm going to take Cat home with me.

**Lucifer**: No way, she's my beautiful woman I'm taking her home!

**Levi**: Hey man I was sleeping with that beautiful woman before you were even created! I'm taking her home!

*Door burst open*

**Elaine**: Hey guys if anyone is taking her home. IT'S GOING TO BE ME!

**Crowley**: Why Elaine I didn't know you swung that way, I'll just have to take her with me when I whisk you away this evening.

**Elaine**: I don't swing that way, I'm just saving her skin.

**Lucifer**: and what do you think I'm going to do? Eat her with my OVERLY LARGE EEL MOUTH!

**Levi**: I don't have an eel mouth! And besides she liked it.

**Lucifer**: Oh that's it Eel boy! I'm still taking her home!

*Door burst open!*

**Sam** **&** **Dean**: We're taking her home!

**Lucifer**: How does this involve you?

**Dean**: It just does! We're taking her home!

**Lucifer**: You are not taking her home! None of you are she is mine beautiful amazing spectacular woman! And none of you can have her!

**Cat**: Awwww Lucifer! You are so sweet.

**Lucifer**: I uh, Can we go now?

**Levi**: Nope cause I'm taking her home!

**Sam & Dean**: No we are!

**Cat**: Boys! Boys! Calm down! Now I have a date with Lucifer, We are leaving because I am quite curios to see what he's come up with. Now if you boys want me you have to wait.

**Lucifer**: Does this mean I can take you now?

**Cat**: Yes, yes it does Lucifer.

**Lucifer**: *Takes her by the arms (Like a gentleman)* Shall we *Begins walking to the door, let's Cat out first… before closing it, Lucifer turns around* Suck it Assbuts! *Runs after Cat*

**Sam &** **Dean**: *Turn to look at Levi*

**Levi**: *Turns and Looks at Sam & Dean* Awkward…. *Poof*

**Sam** **&** **Dean**: *Begins hunting down Levi*

**Crowley**: Ok, I believe I owe you a night on the town.

**Elaine**: I'm tired let's just go home. *Starts walking*

**Crowley**: Oh I like this one! *Runs after*

* * *

><p>Will Levi out run Sam &amp; Dean? Will the other Leviathans EAT Sam &amp; Dean? What happens between Crowley and Elaine? WILL ELAINE MAKE IT PASSED HER SECOND WEEK IN THIS JOB?<p>

Find out in the next chapter!

So guys truth be told I haven't written the next chapter yet, I was going to bring the Demons back but if you guys have a request or anything, feel free to give me a shout out I'm always happy to write prompted stuff. So Review tell me what you want! Hugs and puppies all round!

I LOVE YOU MINIONS!


	8. Family Gathering

There's an awkward moment when you discover Supernatural has deleted scenes like every other show but here's my reaction.

Me: ooh what's this… looks kinda cool must be a music video or something *Click*

Uriel & Cas arguing in a forest…

Me: OH MY FUCKING GOD! AHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER MY SHRILL FANGIRL SCREAMING!*

*Cough Cough*

Yeahhhh it went something like that. Soooo yeahhh enjoy the chapter guys!

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter eight. – Family gatherings<strong>

**Lucifer**: Cat, You want a coffee?

**Cat**: Yeah and then call in your Demons so I can interview them! *Goes back to playing on phone* Hey look babe! Levi sent a picture! *Opens picture, Levi standing in a room full of surgeons all of them with their eel mouths out!*

**Lucifer**: Looks like he's making friends. Here's your coffee *Kiss*

**Cat**: Oh thank you! *Blush*

*Whoosh*

**Raphael**: Oh look at you Lucifer! Finally domesticated!

**Lucifer**: Shut up.

**Raphael**: Never *Sticks tongue out childishly!*

**Lucifer**:*Returns gesture*

**Cat**: So what's up Raphael? You here for Lucifer's excellent coffee?

**Raphael**: Ah not exactly. Have you guys heard from Gabriel? He hasn't come to annoy me like normal, I'm getting concerned.

**Lucifer**: Yeah me to! Not in ages! Hey Cat you know what happened to him?

**Cat**: Hang on I got a picture from my first assistant, you remember Jess?

**Lucifer**: Yeah! She was there during our interview. So what's the picture?

**Cat**: *Shows them* (Image of Jess holding Gabriel by the back of his coat looking triumphant! While Gabriel cowers in fear!)

**Raphael**: Oh so that's what happened to him… Think he's alive, I've still got boxes of his porno mags at my place I'd kinda like to get rid of them.

**Cat**: Which ones?

**Raphael**: Uh mostly Cassa Erotica and Busty Asian Beauty's.

**Cat**: Oh cool, I know I guy who can take them off your hands… but I won't do this for free you know.

**Raphael**: What will it cost me?

**Cat**: An interview!

**Raphael**: Seems reasonable… is it just going to be me?

**Cat**: Nope! Lucifer you're in to. *Smirks*

**Lucifer**: *Coughs on coffee* b-but I've already done an interview!

*Whoosh*

**Gabriel** **&** **Michael** **appear**.

**Michael**: Yeah but we'll be asking the question, is that ok Cat?

**Cat**: Yeah but to make it fair kiddies, we'll turn it around half way through ok?

**Lucifer**: Be kind?

**Cat**: Oh honey, not my call. I'm going to be right next to you though, don't worry!

**Raphael**: *Leans to Gabriel* It sounds like Lucifer's going in for major surgery!

**Gabriel**: *Hides laughter by coughing*

**Cat**: Alright you kids move into the interview room, you're Dad keeps calling me. * Answers obnoxious ring tone - In other words Kumbaya….*

*All the Archangels move into the interview room*

**Phone**: Hello Cat, How are you?

**Cat**: I'm ok, just letting you're sons do an interview.

**Phone**: Oh alright… How's you and Lucifer?

**Cat**: He's such a sweet bastard, why the hell did you put him in the Cage?

**Phone**: He drank my wine and screwed his brother.

**Cat**: So? I do that all the time.

**Phone**: Yes you did have an affinity to flirt with Death… perhaps I was too harsh on him? Would you two like to come to Sunday dinner?

**Cat**: That's tonight right?

**Phone**: Oh yeah!

**Cat**: Then sure… Can you make your roast potatoes? And can your other sons come to dinner to? And Death?

**Phone**: That's fine with me. You bring the Wine?

**Cat**: Of course! See you soon brother! Usual time?

**Phone**: 8:00pm like normal. Bye sister!

*Clink*

* * *

><p><strong>Cat<strong>: *Walks into the interview room* hey guys, we've all been invited to dinner at you're dads, so how's the interview going?

**Gabriel**: We're just about to start.

**Cat**: Right on *Curls up next to Lucifer*

**Michael**: Awww so cute! *pinches Lucifer's cheeks*

**Lucifer**: Shut up Mike.

**Raphael**: Ok shouldn't you guys get on with it?

**Gabriel**: Okay, _Question one: Raphael, where's my porno mags?_

**Raphael**: Still in my apartment, Cat said she knows a guy who'd take them if you don't want them.

**Gabriel**: Oh mkay then… just out of curiosity, who?

**Cat**: ummmmm me.

**Gabriel**: Oh… Uh ok. Mike?

**Michael**: _Lucifer. Favorite thing that Cat does in bed?_

**Cat**: *Giggles* I can answer that one. Lucifer take off your shirt.

**Lucifer**: *Takes off shirt, reveling a LOT of bite and scratch marks.* She like's it, I like it. Win, Win huh.

**Cat**: Oh yeah. *Nibbles on Lucifer's jaw.*

**Raphael**: TMI! TMI!

**Cat**: Oh ok Raph.

**Gabriel**: Ok ok ok. _Lucifer. How do you feel about Nick?_

**Michael**: Good one Gabe.

**Lucifer**: I am indifferent towards him he pleases Cat though and I guess he is ok not that bothersome.

**Cat**: Oh he is quite pleasing, although childish when he's drunk!

**Michael**: Ok _Raphael, Why did you create a Civil War with Cas?_

**Raphael**: He annoyed me AND….. I was bored.

**Michael**: You started another apocalypse because you were bored.

**Raphael**: *Looks down embarrassedly*

**Lucifer**: And they say that I'm the impulsive one!

**Raphael**: Well you were until you were domesticated!

**Lucifer**: Just cause you don't have someone as awesome as this gorgeous woman!

**Gabriel** **&** **Michael** **&** **Cat**: Awwwwwww you're sooo sweet Lucifer!

**Lucifer**: *Blushes like a 12 year old seeing his first pair of tits* Cat…

**Cat**: Oh don't worry honey I love you. *Kisses*

**Gabriel** **&** **Michael** **&** **Raphael**: Oh Lucifer! You two are so cute!

**Lucifer**: well guess what. *Pulls Cat onto lap and kisses*

**Michael**: Ok ok ok! There are children here! *Point to Raphael*

**Raphael**: I'm not a child!

**Gabriel**: But you are the youngest.

**Lucifer** **&** **Cat**: *Finally stop kissing*

**Cat**: Ok, time to turn the tables. Raphael, Lucifer ask away!

**Raphael**: Finally! _Michael, where is my pack of joints?_

**Michael**: Oh…. Ah well! I smoked them, with the stripper who wasn't a stripper who didn't have pizza.

**Cat**: Oh Elaine! How is she? I haven't seen her for like a week now!

**Michael**: Oh yeah, she's in Amsterdam. We were uh at a party… well it was more like a rave; she left with this tall blonde Australian. I felt rejected. Damn hot Australians!

**Cat**: *Mutters* great yet another assistant I have to find.

**Lucifer**: *Whispers* Don't worry you'll find one.

**Gabriel**: Ok you two love birds, break it up.

**Lucifer**: Fine then. _Gabriel, why make the pornos?_

**Gabriel**: Why not, sex sells. Plus it was a great way to find chicks, they would buy the tape, whish for someone like that and *SNAP* There I was!

**Cat**: Wow… Now that is one hell of a plan Gabriel. Why didn't I think about that! Oh, Oh wait… *Giggles*

**Gabriel**: Just my awesome out of the box thinking!

**Lucifer**: *Nudges Cat's arm* why were you giggling?

**Cat**: I'll tell you later.

**Raphael**: Ok _Gabriel, What happened these past couple of weeks you just disappeared! Where did you go?_

**Gabriel**: *Shudders* oh please don't bring that up… the things that woman did *Shudders*

**Lucifer**: Ok now even I'm curious what did she do?

**Gabriel**: She made me wear a French Maids costume and be her slave until Michael came and got me!

**Lucifer**: *Chokes on drink* A FRENCH MAIDS COSTMUE!

**Michael**: But I have to say, it was very pretty on you Gabe!

**Gabriel**: Shut up assbutt!

**Lucifer**: *Smirks* _Michael! Adam or John?_

**Michael**: Which on I prefer? Oh John defiantly! But Adam is much more pliant. John is defiantly better to look at and a better lay but I gotta say I'm digging Adam right now~

**Cat**: Hang on guys! Let me get this straight! Isn't having sex with you Vessel just Masturbation? Or do you like separate and do each other? Or one person gets to use one half of the body? *Obvious ideas springing to mind*

**Michael**: Everything above and more!

**Cat**: *Turns to Lucifer* Oh we are so trying that!

**Everybody** **else**: TMI! TOOOO MUCH FUCKING INFORMATION!

**Cat**: Yes it was fucking information, information about how Lucifer likes it hard but still enjoys curling up next to me afterwards.

**Lucifer**: Cat… please they are my brothers.

**Cat**: Oh am I embarrassing you? I'll make it up later honey. Hey what's the time guys?

**Michael**: 7:55 why?

**Cat**: Oh Shit! Come on we're meant to be having dinner up with my brother!

**Lucifer**: My Father? And I'm invited? Are you sure?

**Cat**: Yep! Now come on, we're bringing the wine! And both of my brothers will be there so hurry up! See you guys later! *Grabs Lucifer and zaps back to the apartment.*

* * *

><p><strong>Lucifer<strong>: I have like six bottles of wine, are sure this isn't too much?

**Cat**: Nope, I'm slightly worried we don't have enough…. Grab another bottle.

**Lucifer**: O.O Ok. Are you sure that he said I'm allowed back upstairs?

**Cat**: Yep, I had a yell at him and told him to compare me to you.

**Lucifer**: How so?

**Cat**: Well he kicked you out when you drank his wine and screwed Michael but then I pointed out that I've done that too many times to count and haven't been punished. And plus I'm like his favorite sister, so grab that bottle and let's go!

**Lucifer**: *Puts bottle into bag* Shall we? *Extends arm*

**Cat**: *Takes arm* Lets!

**Death**: Hello sister, how has life been treating you? Lucifer it's nice to see you domesticated.

**Cat**: Life's been good, I saw Levi recently.

**Death**: How nice, shall we I'm starving! *Gestures to the dining room*

**Raphael**: Dad why is your vessel the prophet?

**God**: He has an exceptional taste in women! And alcohol. *Turns around* Ah Cat! Lucifer son, Welcome back.

**Lucifer**: It's uh good to be back Dad.

**God**: *Holds out arms* give your old man a hug son.

**Lucifer**: But dad, you're embarrassing…

**God**: *Still holding out arms* Lucifer hug me.

**Cat**: I'll hug him and then Lucifer you can hug me… it'll be like a sandwich! *Hugs god* Lucifer hug me.

**Lucifer**: Why can't I say no to you!

**God**: Don't worry nobody can. It's good to have you back Lucifer; many of your brothers have missed you terribly!

**Cat**: Uh guys, it's very tight in here…. I need to breathe… Guys?

**Lucifer**: Oh sorry… Shall we umm eat?

**God**: Yes, Son's, Death, Cat. Thank you for coming. No need to thank me for dinner, I suggest we just dig in hmm?

**Cat**: Amen to that brother!

**Michael**: So Father? Are you coming back to heaven? *Munches on chicken*

**God**: Not yet son, I'm still renovating my shack. I'm sure you can hold out for another couple of years while I finish it.

**Cat**: Which I and Death know is code for Banging hookers and drinking tequila isn't that right brother? *Swipes a potato off Lucifer's plate while he's not looking*

**God**: No I'm renov-

**Death**: Exactly, you can't hide anything from us brother, plus I keep getting happy exploded corpse!

**God**: It's not my-

**Gabriel**: Dad are you not coming home because you think it would be awkward to see all the dead hookers?

**God**: No I-

**Cat**: Well at least they weren't blaspheming when they yell 'Oh God!'

**God**: -.-

**Lucifer**: I think I should get the wine out now.

**Raphael**: So Death how is Tessa?

**Gabriel**: Oh yeah, Raphael's got a crush on her! * Munches on potato*

**Raphael**: Do not!

**Gabriel**: Do to!

**Death**: Tessa is doing well, she managed to find this marvelous Pizza place in Chicago.

**Raphael**: Good to know.

**Gabriel**: Good to know that your crush is still single!

**Raphael**: Gabriel shut up before I shove that potato down your throat!

**Cat**: Not the potato! * Must defend the noble potato!*

**Lucifer** **&** **Michael**: *Drinks wine*

**Lucifer**: Cat do you want one?

**Cat**: Oh yes darling. *Starts drinking with Lucifer*

**God**: So Cat, Lucifer… When can we be expecting children from you two?

**Lucifer & Cat**: *Gagging and choking on wine* *Cat sprays Death with her gaging*

**Death**: Way to go brother, you made her spit wine on me!

**God**: It was a valid question, when are we going to have children from you?

**Cat & Lucifer**: NEVER!

**Cat**: I'm glad we are on the same level here.

**Lucifer**: Likewise children are annoying!

**Death**: You know that's just what your father said before he created you lot.

**God**: And look how well you turned out!

**Cat**: *Points to archangels* Daddy issues… -.- which leads to undeniable sexual prowess!

**Michael**: Right on!

**Cat**: So brother there shall be no rug rats from our end.

**Gabriel**: But on that note what would they be… not human or angel.

**Death**: Angel-Demon-Godlike hybrid…. Oh please don't create that!

**God**: Now that you mention it Please don't!

**Cat**: Don't worry about it… but Ash is such a cool name huh Lucifer?

**Lucifer**: Defiantly!

**God**: Nooo don't even think about it! Take Castiel! He can be your son!

**Cat**: Isn't Cas dead though?

**God**: No when Levi took over Jimmy, Castiel got sent back up here.

**Cat**: Look Lucifer we have a son!

**Lucifer**: And we shall feed him candy and rainbows!

**Cat**: Yay! Let's go get him Lucifer, Thank you for dinner brother! *Skips off with Lucifer*

**Death**: I feel really sorry for Cas.

**God**: Me to *Eats potato* Me to brother.

* * *

><p><strong>Cat<strong>: CASSSSTTTIIIEEELLLLL!

**Cas**: Hello Cat, Lucifer it's nice to see you in heaven.

**Lucifer**: It's good to be in heaven son!

**Cas**: Son?

**Cat**: Yes son. God said we're your new parents!

**Cas**: ….O.O Oh god no.

**Cat**: Oh yes honey! Let's go get ice cream!

**Cas**: Somebody help me!

* * *

><p>Will the noble potato be defended? Will Gabriel ever get over the French maids outfit? Will Castiel survive with his new parents? WILL CAT AND LUCIFER SURVIVE PARENTHOOD!<p>

Find out in the next chapter!

Hint for the next chapter?

Neigh or gay? ….. it makes sense when the almighty board of planning says so!


	9. Horsemen

Alrighty! This one was requested by an anon but I still want the cookies (You know who you are!) But for now you shall be known as the cookie fairy! MWHAHHA! So yeah enjoy me and my randomness!

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter nine – Three Horsemen.<strong>

**Cat**: Lucifer, honey? *Puppy dog look*

**Lucifer**: Yes darling, I'm busy with Cas. He wants burgers.

**Cat**: Will you come be my assistant today? I can't find anyone else. *Still with the puppy dog look*

**Lucifer**: What about Cas?

**Cat**: Cas can come see mommy work!

**Cas**: I don't want to…. I would like to go back to help Sam and Dean.

**Lucifer**: Well you can't do that without a vessel! And when you're without a vessel you are our son, them's the rules son.

**Cas**: Stop calling me son, you're not my dad!'

**Lucifer**: Would you like another demonstration on how you were made? *Starts taking off shirt and walking to Cat*

**Cas**: NOO! I'm still horrified from the last demonstration!

**Cat**: Oh well, I enjoyed it at least!

**Lucifer**: Me to honey. Now are you going to be a good boy and come watch Mommy and Daddy work?

**Cat**: We'll even give you a coloring in bookey if you're a good boy *Pinches Castiel's cheeks*

**Cas**: Ok *Rubs cheeks* Only if I get the coloring in book.

**Lucifer**: I'm proud of you son!

**Cas**: Oh dear lord….

* * *

><p><strong>Cat<strong>: So Lucifer, who are we interviewing today?

**Lucifer**: The Horsemen… well all of them except Death because he's being a sassy bitch.

*Phone rings*

**Cat**: I'll get it!

Hello?

**Phone**: Hello sister, I need to speak to Lucifer.

**Cat**: Ok, here you go.

**Lucifer**: Hello?

**Phone**: Lucifer if I ever hear you call me a 'Sassy Bitch' again I will kill you. Understand?

**Lucifer**: But I have so much to live for, Cat and Castiel. What will my family do without me!

**Phone**: I… Don't…. Care. You have been warned.

*Click*

**Cat**: So which brother was on the phone.

**Lucifer**: The lovely and charming one, who is a DELIGHT to be with!

**Cat**: Oh Death was threating you again?

**Lucifer**: Pretty much.

*Doorbell*

**War**: So where's does a hot stud like me get a beer?

**Lucifer**: War. It's good to see you.

**War**: Lucifer. It's good to see you with clothes on.

**Cat**: Wait? With clothes on? Did you have a secret life as a nudist that I don't know about?

**War**: Oh me and him had quite violent- *Is punched in the gut by Lucifer*

**Lucifer**: Troublemaking! That's what you were about to say wasn't it War?

**Cat**: Oh ok! *Unfazed by War doubling over in pain* I'm going to get some beer. *Toddles off*

**War**: Ow what the hell bro?

**Lucifer**: That's my girlfriend! You don't have to bring up the time you and I had hard and violent gay sex to every person you meet.

**War**: Oh you're girlfriend… I am so telling her! I wonder what she'll do to you? What is she? Human? Angel? Demon?

**Lucifer**: God's sister. She'll tear us apart!

**War**: Dude, yes! Oh how the heads will roll! Magnificent.

*Doorbell*

**Pestilence**: Too bad you wouldn't be able to see it with being killed first and all.

**War**: Pestilence, good to see you still have that glorious sense of humor.

**Pestilence**: Good to see you're still a dick, I see something's never change.

**Lucifer**: Ok boys, put your egos away. I asked you here because my girlfriend is an interviewer and I thought you people could be MATURE ENOUGH. To answer her questions.

**War**: Dude no problems, unless he has a bitch fit.

**Pestilence**: You little shit *Makes War vomit*

**Lucifer**: Oh gross! All over my shoes!

**War**: You bastard! *Throws chair at Pestilence*

**Lucifer**: *Snaps away the vomit and chair*

**War** **&** **Pestilence**: *Resort to hand-hand combat* *Random tribal music plays in the background*

**Cat**: *Walks back in with Castiel behind her*

**Castiel**: Mommy why are they fighting?

**Cat**: You just called me mommy…. I LOVE YOU SON! Have a burger!

**Cas**: YAY!

**Lucifer**: *Dodges another flying chair* Cat! Help me!

**Cat**: OK **ENOUGH!**

Everybody freezes!

**Cat**: War, Pestilence you two go sit down quietly in separate room and fill out the question sheets provided…. Well what are you waiting for MOVE IT!

**War** **&** **Pestilence**: Yes Ma'm Sorry Ma'm *Runs like dogs with tails between their legs*

**Lucifer**: O : How did you do that?

**Cat**: Hello, Creator of Hell.

*Doorbell*

**Famine**: So hungry…

**Cat**: The souls of my ex-assistants in the interview rooms just fill out the questionnaire and they're yours.

**Famine**: YaY!

**Cas**: *Tugs on Cat's sleeve* Can I have my coloring in book now?

**Cat**: Awww look Lucifer! Isn't he adorable! I just want to pick him up and tickle him all over!

**Lucifer**: With looks like that son you'll have no problem with the ladies… or the men in Dean's case.

**Cat**: Here honey, have a coloring in book and some pencils. They're from Mommy and Daddy.

**Cas**: I love you guys!

**Cat & Lucifer**: Awwww and we love you!

**Cas**: Yay! *Goes off to color in a picture of a Turtle*

**Cat**: Lucifer I think we raised him right.

**Lucifer**: and our sex demonstration really seemed informative to him.

**Cat**: It did didn't it!

**Lucifer**: Should we see how the interviewees are doing?

*Walks into a chaotic mess, random dead body here, a sick rabbit there… Famine in the corner eating the rabbits soul.*

**Cat**: I SAID ENOUGH FIGHTING!

**War**: No you didn't you said be quiet and we did this quietly!

**Cat**: Are you arguing…. With me?

**War**: O: LUCIFER AND I HAD VIOLENT GAY SEX!

**Lucifer**: O.O *Tries to hide*

**Cat**: Lucifer, come here. War sit your ass down. Pestilence and Famine… Leave the room…

War & Lucifer sit like children about to be scolded.

**Lucifer**: Honey it was a one-time thing, I love you!

**Cat**: How violent was this gay sex of yours.

**War**: Highly violent and very hot.

**Cat**: *Contemplates*

**Lucifer**: Darling?

**Cat**: Shh I'm thinking.

**War**: Thinking about what? Me fucking your boyfriend's ass?

**Lucifer**: War! *Blush* Cat it was a one-time thing and it was over a long time ago.

**Cat**: Lucifer stops apologizing I'm not mad or anything.

**War**: No she's just enjoying the imagery.

**Cat**: Yes as a matter of fact and how much money I could make selling my boyfriend and you out as street whores!

**Lucifer**: O.O ….. Not again…

**Cat**: Wait? What do you mean again?

**War**: How do you think we met.

**Cat**: Interesting…. Anything else I should know?

**War**: Lucifer likes it rough so he has an excuse to cuddle afterwards?

**Cat**: Oh I knew that one, he is very sweet after all of the biting and scratching.

**War**: Ooooh he gets sweet with you! He just got more violent and then eventually curls up.

**Lucifer**: I- I- I am getting increasingly uncomfortable here!

**Cat**: Oh honey, don't worry I'll pull out my lesbian pornos later.

**War**: You're that Cat! From the Angel sage series!

**Cat**: Oh look Lucifer, I have a fan!

**War**: Holy shit! You were so hot in that!

**Lucifer**: So hot in what?

**War**: only the greatest porno ever created!

**Lucifer**: You we're in a lesbian porno?

**Cat**: Yep… I guess we're even huh?

**Lucifer**: Oh okay and plus I could only ever want you Cat!

**Cat**: Oh Lucifer you're so sweet!

**War**: Oh get me a bucket!

**Cat**: I'll take away your pornos.

**War**: You don't know where I hide them!

**Cat**: CD cases, one in the Ramones Greatest Hits another in the Clash's London's Burning… should I continue?

**War**: Nope I've heard enough you stalker!

**Cat**: No it's just where I hide mine.

**Lucifer**: Really! No wonder that CD didn't sound like the Clash!

**War**: Lucifer… I like you're girlfriend!

**Cat**: Ok, time for an interview!

* * *

><p><strong>Cat<strong>: Pestilence. I'm warning you now, if you make anyone sick in here I will skin you alive. Understand -.-

**Pestilence**: Yeah ok.

**Cat**: Don't say Yeah ok like I _Yeah ok._

**Pestilence**: _Yeah ok._

**Cat**: -.- Lucifer the questions….

**Lucifer**: Yes honey.

_Ok Question one, Favorite color._

**War**: You really have to ask, Red.

**Famine**: Black. It's so sleek and slimming.

**Pestilence**: Yeah with the amount of souls you eat you need it. Greens my favorite.

**Famine**: I don't eat that much, It's kind of in the name. Famine!

**War**: But when you chow down you really go all out brother!

**Pestilence**: I have two things for you WW1 & WW2. Compensating for something War? Perhaps because Lucifer ditched you brother?

**Cat**: Lucifer quick ask another question!

**Lucifer**: _Question two! Something that has annoyed you?_

**War**: Fine! Those blonde headed American sweet heart who want world peace! GO DIE WHORES!

**Cat**: Ok calm down there cowboy.

**Famine**: America in general, a bunch of locust in stretch pants!

**Pestilence**: The thing that annoyed me… WHEN SOME ASSHOLE SWITCHED MY CROATOAN VIRUS FOR OXYTOCIN! WHO WAS IT!

**Famine**: Wasn't me brother.

**War**: Like wise.

**Pestilence**: Lucifer? Cat? You know who did this?

**Lucifer**: Nope

**Cat**: *Giggles & Raises hand slowly* It was me.

**Pestilence**: You bitch! Why would you do that!

**Cat**: Hello Oxytocin in the water supply! I get an amazing happy high every time I have a drink!

**Lucifer**: So that's why you've been spending so much time in the shower and coming out all happy and loveable!

**Cat**: Guilty.

**Pestilence**: Still doesn't excuse what she did! That planning to over 50 years! And this whore fucked it over in 15 minutes.

**Lucifer**: *Stands up threateningly* What did you just call my girlfriend?

**Pestilence**: I called her a whore, an imperfect disgusting WHORE!

**Lucifer**: You bastard. *Spreads out wings menacingly*

**Cat**: Lucifer sit down, Pestilence why don't we go outside for a second. *Creepy smile*

**Pestilence**: Good I can take my time exacting my revenge on your sorry ass.

*Walks outside*

**Lucifer**: *After a while* I should go check on them shouldn't I?

**War**: No how about we go in to the back room, I mean Famine is occupied with that pretty little soul he's devouring.

**Lucifer**: No War, I'm perfectly happy with my family here.

*Castiel walks in*

**Castiel**: Dad why is Pestilence cowering on the floor begging Mommy to stop?

**Lucifer**: I have no idea son, what's that you got there?

**Castiel**: It's a Turtle I drew it for you!

**Lucifer**: Oh thank you son. I have to say you're taking to being our son really well!

**Castiel**: Well since this is temporary I thought I should at least try? Right?

**Lucifer**: Who said anything about being temporary?

**Castiel**: God did when I called him explaining my horror at the spectacle of you and Cat having sex.

**Lucifer**: Fair enough I guess.

*Door opens, Cat's dragging Pestilence back in by his now shredded shirt.*

**Cat**: Ok that's it for this interview Lucifer, Cas we're going home.

**Cat**: *Proceeds to kick the horsemen out of the interviewing building*

**Famine**: But I left my soul in there!

**Cat**: Well you should have thought about that earlier! *Locks doors* *Sighs & Mutters* Gosh screwing with somebody's mind until they're a drooling mess really takes it out of me. *Leans against Lucifer*

**Lucifer**: *Strokes Cat's hair* Honey shall we go home?

**Cat**: Yes I need to tear your clothes off.

**Castiel**: Oh god not again! *Facepalms*

* * *

><p>Well then! how did i do my cookie fairy? Mwhahahah! i like this nickname!<p>

Since next chapter is chapter 10, a milestone! Something important! Sooooo! i shall cook up something special! something magnificent! O: It shall be glorious! like a fresh apple pie!

Oh my god soooo hungry! i'm going now to ravage the kitchen! Om nom nom nom...


	10. Stones man Stones

HELLO! Hello you wonderful people! Yes I am back! Yes my brain cells have finally repaired myself after exams …. And after exam 'celebrating'…. So here we are! Chapter ten! It's a mile stone! Something to celebrate, so I've jam packed this chapter with more crazy and giggles than you would find at a children's amusement park! ENJOY! : )

**Disclaimer**: you got the gist from the other fics!

Chapter ten- Stones man… Stones!

* * *

><p><strong>Cat<strong>: *Lying in bed with Lucifer* Lucifer you're so sweet.

**Lucifer**: No you are honey *Kisses*

**Levi**: No I am!

**Cat**: LEVI! *Yanks up sheets!*

**Levi**: CAT! See I can do it too sweetheart!

**Lucifer**: What are you doing in our bed Levi?

**Levi**: Looking.

**Lucifer**: Oh you sicko! *Kicks off of bed*

**Levi**: FOR MY BONG! Not at how crappy your technique is!

**Lucifer**: *Kicks again*

**Cat**: His technique is better than your technique! Now why are you here?

**Levi**: I'm looking for my bong! I finally managed to get hold of some of those heavenly substances we used to smoke and now I'm looking for my bong!

**Lucifer**: Why didn't you just get a new one?

**Levi**: Cause I want my one! I made it out of the tree of knowledge and it's got some good vibes man!

**Cat**: *Sigh* it's in the wardrobe; you better have some pretty good shit Levi! I was enjoying myself there!

**Levi**: Puh-lease! I am so much better than him we both know you're more of a rough sex type anyway!

**Lucifer**: *Kicks Levi again*

**Levi**: Ow! None for you now! Ass…

**Cat**: *Whispers to Lucifer* Don't worry I'll share.

* * *

><p><strong>Cat<strong>: Dude, Dude, DUDE! Marshmallows are fluffy. Hehehehe!

**Levi**: They're like little sweet clouds…. Man I'm hungry.

**Lucifer**: We should get Cas to bring us food on his way home from his allowed time with the Winchesters.

**Cat**: *Giggles* Yeah! *Snaps fingers & Cas, Dean and Sam appear* Caaaasssstttiiieelll honnneeyyy Go get Mommy and Daddy food… Go on cause you love us and we're awesome…. Burgers would be nice, yeah burgers and something sweet l-l-like Candy! Ahghbd I want candy!

**Dean**: o.O Is she stoned?

**Cas**: She doesn't look like a stone? I don't understand.

**Sam**: Stoned is a term used for when somebody's under the influence of…. Whatever they were smoking.

**Lucifer**: Castiel, Son come here.

**Cas**: *Scoots closer…. Closer to the bong.*

**Lucifer**: *Laughs* Ok ok ok ok now, now breathe. Good boy.

**Cas**: *Breathes* It's very smoky here.

**Dean**: Oh dear lord another stoner.

**Cas**: Heh you're expression of stoner is funny, hahahaha!

**Sam**: oh no…

**Cat**: SAMMY! You're muscley! Dan here likes it!

**Sam**: Who's Dan?

**Dan**: I'm Dan! *Singsongs* I'm Cat's Vessel! And you're hot! Now take your shirt off….

**Sam**: I'm not taking my shirt off.

**Cat**: *Voice changes* Take the shirt of Sam, it's offending me! Now take it off before I do.

**Sam**: O.O Ok, shirt coming off!

**Levi**: Whooooo! Five dollar five dollar! Holy shit this is some strong stuff! HEHEHEHE!

**Dean**: Michael, Gabriel! Anyone please help us before they make me start stripping!

**Cat**: *Leans on Dean's shoulder* you're pretty Dean-o, you'd be prettier without a shirt. And dipped in caramel… mmmmm *Tugs on shirt*

**Lucifer**: Cat, I what about me!

**Cat**: Oh Luci! You know I love you! Come here you *falls on top off and starts widely making out!*

**Dean**: ANYONE!

**Levi**: Cat got one thing right, you are very pretty Dean… *Snakes arms around.*

**Michael**: Get off my vessel snake! *Kicks Levi off Dean*

**Levi**: What is it with the kicking! Oh hello bong, I missed you!

**Gabriel**: Wow Sammy, gonna give us a dance? Oh look a bong! *Starts smoking!*

**Michael**: What's up with Cas?

**Cas**: *Eats burger* These are so so good!

**Michael**: Oookkkaaayyy, I think it's time we got you home.

**Cat**: Hey Michael, give us a kiss!

**Michael**: Now who can resist a mating call like that! *Puckers up*

**Cat**: *Blows smoke into Michaels lungs*

**Michael**: *Proceeds to devour mouth.*

**Lucifer**: Get off my girlfriend! *Kicks Michael off Cat, who proceeds to roll on the floor laughing*

**Dean**: Sammy I want you to know. If we don't make it out of here, I was the one who ate you're burrito!

**Sam**: *Snaps head towards Dean* YOU SON OF A BITCH! I was saving that!

**Levi**: Stop your bitching and start stripping!]

**Gabriel**: Yeah strip Sammy strip!

**Sam**: I'm going to regret this, NO KINKY SHIT GUYS!

**Levi**: Eel honor!

**Sam**: yeah so reassuring… *Starts taking off shoes*

**Cas**: Hey Dean. You have very pretty eyes, they're like rolling green hills. Hills where I could fuck you all day long.

**Dean**: That's nice- Wait what?

**Cas**: You have this talent of affecting me Dean, making think impure thoughts. Giving me painful burning sensations in my groin.

**Dean**: Cas you're stoned, you are under the influence of…. Whatever the hell they're smoking.

**Cas**: No I'm still an angel Dean, still not a stone. I have no idea why you keep mentioning that… you're eye lashes are pretty.

**Dean**: Cas *Facepalm*

**Cat**: You're so sweet Lucifer, you taste like candy!

**Lucifer**: and you taste like fruit babe, you know what we could do here Cat?

**Cat**: What could we do here Lucifer?

**Lucifer**: *Whispers pervese and un-mentionable things into Cat's ear*

**Cat**: O : Let's do it, *BEGIN WIDLEY STRIPPING EACH OTHER!*

**Levi**: Oh look we're going O' Natural! Everybody have a dance party!

*LOUD MUSIC BEGINS PLAYING! Everybody starts stripping, part from Dean and Cas*

**Cas**: You should really join them, it looks like fun.

**Dean**: SAM, MICHAEL! PUT CLOTHES BACK ON YOUR BODIES RIGHT NOW! *Chases down Sam and Michael.*

*Lucifer and Cat, rolling around on the floor, preforming athletic activities…. OH GOD YOU DIRTY MINDED PEOPLE PUSH UP'S!... on top of each other… with their hips… yeah*

**Gabe**: Hey Mike look! Cat and Lucifer are putting on a show!

**Dean**: OH DEAR GOD! YOU PERVERTED NAKED PEOPLE! AHHHH!

**Cas**: Dean, relax it's a perfectly natural act!

**Dean**: NATURAL MY ASS! THEY'RE TWO ANGELS IN MEAT SUITS FUCKING EACH OTHER IN FRONT OF THEIR BROTHES AND SISTERS!

**Gabe**: No Cas is right. This is normal, Heaven's like one big orgy!

**Dean**: But, but! You guys are on earth now! Can't you like keep it PG guys?

**Lucifer**: OH Cat!

**Gabe**: Brother! At least use protection!

**Mike**: To late on that front Gabe, I don't think Lucifer even knows what protection is.

**Levi**: Oh dear lord! So there's like mini Lucifer's running around the place! RUNNNN SAVE YOURSELVESSSSSSS! *Sprints out the door* THEY'LL NEVER GET ME! EVIL SATAN CHILDRENNNNN!

**Sam**: And he's entered the paranoid stage. *Starts putting clothes back on*

**Gabe**: Ah, no you don't. *Holds up $5 bill*

**Michael**: Guys…. Guys….. GUYS! This room is getting really small…. *Curls into a ball and starts shaking*

**Gabe**: Hey Michael. **BANG!**

**Mike**: AHHHHHH! Don't hurt me!

**Cas**: Dean pllleeeaaassseeee, let's just go have sex!

**Dean**: But I don't swing that way!

**Cas**: You will when I'm done with you. *EYE SEX!*

**Dean**: *Continues with the EYE SEX!*

**Cas**: *More EYE SEX!*

**Levi**: *EYE SEX!*

**Dean**: Levi, what the hell are you doing? Don't interrupt our sexy EYE SEX!

**Levi**: *Blue steal* But, I'm sexy and I know it! *Starts Dancing…. While naked*

**Gabe**: Levi…. Devil Spawn.

**Levi**: SATAN'S CHILDREN SHALL NEVER CATCH MEEEEEEEEEE! *Flees* NEEAAAAAVVVVVVEEEEERRRRRR!

**Cas**: *Continues EYE SEX!*

**Dean**: *EYE SEX!*

**Michael**: Everything's so small, like Ants man. You are all Ants and I rule you because I am the Ant King!

**Gabe**: and now Michael is going to come out and say some very deep thoughtful shit.

**Michael**: My Father before me was a kind and caring God but I have learned that being kind and caring…. Gets fuck all done. Now BUILT ME A TEN FOOT STATUE OF A PINEAPPLE!

**Gabe**: Okay? Not what I was expecting… oh well.

**Michael**: GABRIEL! BUILD ME MY STATUE! AND BRING ME PINEAPPLE!

**Gabe**: Mike, you are high now we can all sit down like normal intoxicated Archangels and calm down…

**Michael**: PINEAPPLE! BRING ME PINEAPPLE!

**Gabe**: Mike! CALM DOWN!

**Michael**: NO I WANT PINEAPPLE! I DEMAND IT!

**Lucifer & Cat**: *Still fucking each other into the carpet*

**Dean & Cas**: EYE SEX!

**Sam**: *Now clothed* I think I should just go you know guys… maybe find Levi?

**Gabe**: SATAN CHILDREN!

In the distance far, far away…. One hears a cry, a battle cry…. Only it wasn't a fearsome battle cry more of an insane terror one that strikes confusion and fear into the hearts of mortal men.

**Levi**: THE SATAN SPAWN SHALL NEVER GET ME! AHAHAHAH…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

SATAN SPAWN ARE ATTACKING NOOOOOOO!

* * *

><p>Will Cat and Lucifer ever stop fucking each other into the carpet? Will Dean and Cas continue the EYE SEX or actually do it? Will Gabriel get Sam? Will Levi Survive the Satan Spawn? WILL MICHAEL GET HIS FUCKING PINEAPPLE!<p>

Find out soon

*Mindless staring* Sorry I'm just a bit distracted here writing these ending remarks…. Mark Pellegrino's on my screen…. Hang on….. OK! So did I do ok? Was it awesome enough to sprout rainbows? Or was it more rainclouds? Or even better than rainbows… THUNDER! Sorry, going off on another tangent anyway,

Tell me what you think!


	11. Double Dates and Marriage?

Hello hello! Guy I am so sorry for not updating I have been so exsaughted these past couple of months and writing other fic's…. that I still need to post, seriously it's like a novel (Not like Philosophers Stone long but like Deathly Hallows long!) aaaaaaannnnndddd writers block. Fucking writers block! So here you go! I hope to get back in the swing of things soon with more of my random nutty- ness …. Mmmm nuts… oh sorry.

ENJOY!

* * *

><p>Chapter 11 – Double date!<p>

**Lucifer**: This feels wonky.

**Cat**: What does honey?

**Lucifer**: This, doing a normal interview.

**Cat**: Yeah, things have been pretty wild around here lately. Time for some normality I think.

**Lucifer**: So did you make the deal to raise him from the dead yet?

**Cat**: Just getting your brother to do it now. Is the other one here yet?

*Chattering from outside*

**Cat**: Oh that must be them, Lucifer let them in honey.

**Lucifer**: Sure thing babe.

*Opens door with a smile*

**Bobby**: YOU! LUCIFER! You're supposed to be in the cage! *Reaches for shotgun*

**John**: Lucifer? The Devil? He's the Devil, no way!

**Lucifer**: Well Nick here is a vessel. Mr. Singer please put that shotgun away; my girlfriend wants a word with you two. Follow me.

**John**: *Whispers to Bobby* Are you sure he's the Devil and you just haven't lost it?

**Lucifer**: Stop whispering John I can hear you and yes I am the Devil, In the flesh of a rather handsome widowed editor. Now can we move in please?

**Cat**: Hello John, how's tricks?

**John**: Cat? Cat from New York! My god you haven't changed a bit! Wait you're dating the Devil?

**Lucifer**: My name's Lucifer and how do you know my girlfriend?

**John**: She walked straight through my motel room blind drunk and killed this bat thing and passed out on my couch!

**Cat**: *To Lucifer* Dragons man, Dragons!

**Bobby**: Ok enough of the meet and greet why are we here?

**Cat**: For an interview of course!

**John**: Why the hell are we being interviewed?

**Bobby**: Yeah why are you talking to two old crones like us?

**Cat**: Because well one, you guys are legendary and two I want to… now get in there.

**John**: I don't think I will.

**Lucifer**: Don't make me force you in there. *Growls*

**Bobby**: I'm moving, I don't want a repeat of last time! *Remembers broken neck*

**John**: Fine. I'm going if you're going. *Death glares Lucifer*

**Lucifer**: *Sticks tongue out childishly.*

**Cat**: Lucifer behave, or do I have to make you. *Eye sex*

**Lucifer**: Oh please do. *More eye sex and kisses*

**John**: Are we doing this or what?

**Cat**: Oh! Coming!

**Lucifer**: In more ways than one later tonight!

**Cat**: *Sever blush!*

**John**: It's worse than watching Dean at a bar!

**Lucifer**: No nothing is worse than seeing Dean in a bar… especially when you're trying to pick up chicks.

**Cat**: Lucifer… Do you mind getting the questionnaires? I still haven't found a replacement assistant yet.

**Lucifer**: For you honey, anything. *Winks*

**Bobby**: No this is defiantly worse than Dean in a bar.

**Cat**: Alright alright, Lucifer if you would kindly hand out the questionnaires, boys take said questionnaires go into those rooms over there, fill them out and come back here! Kay? Go.

* * *

><p>20 mins later - after Lucifer kindly kicks the boys ass's back into the main room.<p>

**Cat**: Alrighty then Lucifer if you would please read out the answers.

**Lucifer**: Uh Cat… these sheets are blank?

**Cat**: What? Didn't you guys fill them out?

**John**: No because I first want to know. What are you?

**Bobby**: Yeah! Where are you from?

**John**: How did you raise me from the dead?

**Bobby**: How can you date Lucifer?

**John**: How do you know my boys?

**Bobby**: How-

**Cat**: WHOA WHOA CALM DOWN!

**Lucifer**: Shall I knock them out?

**Cat**: No, I don't think we need to.

**Bobby** **&** **John**: ANSWER OUR QUESTIONS!

**Cat**: AH! Knock them out! Knock the out!

***CRASH, BANG…. SNAP? CRUNCH?***

**Lucifer**: Oh shit I think I broke his neck again.

**Cat**: He is not going to be happy about that….

* * *

><p>Another 20 mins later- After Cat has healed Bobby's neck.<p>

**Cat**: Hey? Hey are you guys even alive? Hey?

**Lucifer**: Maybe we should pour water on them?

**Cat**: You know what, that's a great idea!

*ICY! COLD WATER IS POURED ON THE OLD MEN!*

**Bobby**: HOLY HELL! WHAT IN THE GOD DAMN HELL!

**John**: JESUS FUCKING CHIRST! FUCK!

**Cat**: Whoa so loud boys!

**John**: YOU POURED FRIGGIN ICY COLD WATER ALL OVER US!

**Bobby**: My neck hurts… what the fuck did you do to it?

**Lucifer**: I sort of broke it… again…. My bad

**Bobby**: You broke my neck. AGAIN!

**Lucifer**: I said my bad! Isn't that a sort of apology here?

**Bobby**: Noooo!

**Lucifer**: Oh well, my apologies. I know that one works!

**Bobby**: I'm out of here!

**John**: Ditto

*Begins to leave.*

Just as the two elderly hunters where storming out of the building a group of demons enter… within this group of demons there was one… one John had hunted, for years on end.

**Azazel**: JOHNNY BOY! Oh did you miss me! *Jumps on the damp clothed John.*

**Azazel**: Oh Johnny all wet for me are you?

**John**: What the hell? Yellow eyes? WHAT THE FUCK!

**Azazel**: Oh Johnny I love it when you use our little nickname!

**John**: It's not a nickname, I really don't know your name…

**Azazel**: Johnny that hurts, it's Azazel by the way and I don't mean to brag or anything but I was one of the first angel's to sleep with humans.

**Ruby**: Means he's got a lot of experience under his belt!

**John**: Oh gross I don't swing that way man and you killed my wife!

**Azazel**: Shhhh just look into my eyes and become deeply attracted to me…. *Stares intensely*

**John**: Dear god go away.

**Azazel**: I'm hurt Johnny after all that time you spent looking for me I really thought we had something good going!

*Cat and Lucifer walk out to see why the demons are taking so long. Ruby and Meg are bugging Bobby while Azazel STTIIIILLLL tries to get into Johns pants!*

**Ruby**: Hey look it's the boss man!

**Meg**: Father! You are looking well.

**Azazel**: Hello sir.

**Lucifer**: Yes hello children and thank you Meg. Now if you could all come inside please.

**Meg**: *Whispers to Ruby* I bet that's what Azazel's telling John right now!

**Azazel**: Oh you're just wishing I was saying it to you.

**Lucifer**: Alright, now inside children.

**Cat**: If they're your children doesn't that make me there step mother?

**Lucifer**: Yeah I suppose it does. Children meet your step-mother!

**John**: don't you have to be married for you to be there step-mother?

**Lucifer**: What's married?

**Cat**: No idea… oh look there goes John, gosh that old boy can run!

**Azazel**: *Runs past* JOHN LET ME LOVE YOU!

**Lucifer**: Right then, OI KIDS GET INSIDE!

All the demons in the house groan…. Yes father.

* * *

><p>After a short while of getting the Demonic brats to sit down<p>

**Lucifer**: Children you are to give your full respect to Cat, she is very important to me.

**Cat**: Aww, don't worry I'm nice enough.

**Azazel**: That's not what Pestilence said.

**Cat**: _That's not what who said? _*Death Glare*

**Azazel**: No one! Absolutely no one!

**Cat**: Good, now everybody comfy? Got a drink? Ruby got your Fries? Lucifer comfy so I can lie on you?

**Lucifer**: Oh yeah.

**Cat**: Awesome. *Moves to sit comfortably in Lucifer's lap.*

**Meg**: Aww so cute!

**Ruby**: You two should so get married!

**Cat**: Will someone explain what is married?

**Azazel**: It's where two humans commit to have only each other for the rest of their lives. Human's do it allot because of their pitifully short life spans!

**Lucifer**: Commit to each other for the rest of our lives…. Cat you want to?

**Meg**: DAD! That's not how you're supposed to do it!

**Lucifer**: How am I supposed to ask her then?

**Meg**: Come with me! *Drags Lucifer away*

**Cat**: Well ok then… what do I do?

**Ruby**: Come and have a girls day out with me!

**Cat**: Yeah that uh sounds like fun!

**Azazel**: Well what do I do then?

**Cat**: Well you can either come with us and go… what are we doing shopping or spa?

**Ruby**: Both.

**Cat**: Oooh sounds cool. Or you can go and chase down Lucifer and Meg.

**Azazel**: I think I'll come with you.

* * *

><p><strong>Cat<strong>: Think Lucifer will like these? *Holds up lingerie*

**Azazel**: I like them.

**Ruby**: I think they look better in red.

**Cat**: You know what I agree with you there.

**Assistant**: Are you lady's alright? Need anything?

**Azazel**: I'm a dude.

**Assistant**: And what a handsome dude you are, say would you like to go for a drink later big boy?

**Azazel**: oh you drive a hard bargain honey but I'm afraid I have to stalk my future husband tonight. *Goes back to looking at stockings….. for John?*

**Assistant**: ….Future Husband?

**Cat**: Jeeezs you haven't heard of Tumblr! Come on man, where's your head at!

**Assistant**: Oh sor….. Wait, I know you!

**Cat**: No you've got the wrong person.

**Assistant**: Cat! You took my virginity!

**Cat**: Oh fuck.

**Assistant**: Yeah exactly! I bet you don't even remember my name!

**Azazel**: *Looks up from a rather lacey pair of stockings* Is it 'Whiney Whore'?

**Assistant**: No it's Mark!

**Cat**: Well Mark I'm sure it was highly enjoyable for you. Can I pay with a credit card?

**Mark**: Sure, whatever.

**Ruby**: You should feel privileged you slept with Satan's mistress!

**Cat**: *Mother of all Facepalms!*

**Mark**: …. O.o Satan's Mistress? Jesus you're into some kinky shit!

**Azazel**: DON'T YOU SAY THAT NAME IN MY PRESENCE!

**Mark**: What Satan?

**Azazel**: NO THE OTHER ONE!

**Mark**: What Jesus?

**Azazel**: You little bastard! *Attempts to strangle Mark over the counter*

**Cat**: AZAZEL! We're in public!

**Azazel**: Don't care!

**Mark**: *Looses Consciousness…. Surprisingly without any of the other people in the store realizing!*

**Cat**: Quick hide the body!

**Ruby**: *Stashes Body in backroom*

**Cat**: Great now what do we do?

**Ruby**: He smells like French fries… can we eat him?

**Cat**: No we cannot eat him!

**Azazel**: No we can eat him you're just saying we're not allowed to.

**Ruby**: We could always get more clothes and pay for them using his money.

**Cat**: But-

**Ruby**: He's a dick.

**Cat**: Oh ok!

* * *

><p>*Meanwhile across town with Lucifer and Meg*<p>

**Lucifer**: This one? *Points to shiny ring*

**Meg**: You gotta think about what she likes.

**Lucifer**: She doesn't like diamonds; she said they were too common… what if I got her something unique?

**Meg**: You're thinking along the right tracks now.

**Lucifer**: Doesn't Alistair have a hobby of collecting rare rocks?

**Meg**: Yep…. Oh I see where this is going! We can go raid Alistair's collection! I'm sure he won't mind if it's for you Father!

**Lucifer**: Shall we head down there then?

**Meg**: Yep!

*About 5mins later*

**Meg**: Ally!

**Alistair**: Meg what have I told you about calling me that.

**Meg**: Only in the bedroom?

**Alistair**: MEG!

**Lucifer**: Hello son, I hear you have a rather substantial collection of rarities. May we see them?

**Alistair**: Of course Father. May I ask what the occasion is?

**Meg**: Father's going to propose!

**Alistair**: Oh and who's the lucky…. Uh person?

**Lucifer**: Her name is Cat, she is very important to me.

**Meg**: You know it's easier to say you love her.

**Lucifer**: L-l-l-l-l Nope just can't get the word out.

**Meg**: Father say it with me now,

**Lucifer**: Good morning Vietnam?

**Meg**: I love Cat!

**Lucifer**: *Sigh* I love Cat, I love her I love her I love her!

**Meg**: Awwwww

**Lucifer**:*Blushes* Fine, Alistair the rocks?

**Alistair**: Yes Father. What does she like, your girl?

**Lucifer**: She created hell… is there anything down here that would suit?

**Alistair**: Ummm What about this? *Passes black stone*

**Lucifer**: HOLY SHIT! OW! WHAT WAS THAT! *Recoils in pain*

**Alistair**: Part of your cage…. Ok ok ok ok what about this? It's called Painite, its native down deep near the fires.

**Meg**: Oh that's pretty! Look at it, it looks like fire!

**Lucifer**: Important question, will she like it?

**Meg**: I think she'll love it. Can you make it into a ring Alistair?

**Alistair**: Meg, don't push your luck you're already getting this 54 carat Painite from me!

**Lucifer**: Son, I need it made into a ring can you handle that?

**Alistair**: Yes father.

**Meg**: Great now we need a setting!

**Lucifer**: A what?

**Meg**: Where are you going to propose to her?

**Lucifer**: In the interview rooms?

**Meg**: Dad! Come on! Somewhere romantic!

**Lucifer**: Well she does like it when I cook for her, oh I know what I'm going to do!

**Alistair**: Ok what knee are you going to go down on?

**Lucifer**: I have to go down on a knee?

**Alistair**: Yes! Here like this! *Bends down on knee and hold Meg's hand* And then you have to ask, 'Will you marry me?'

**Meg**: *Blushes furiously!*

**Lucifer**: That's all I have to do? Meg! You were making it sound like I had to perform some sort of trial!

**Meg**: It is a trial for humans!

**Lucifer**: Yeah, Yeah. Thank you Alistair, Meg come with me.

**Meg**: Where are we going?

**Lucifer**: TO THE MARKET! *Zap's them away!*

* * *

><p>*Back to the girls… and Azazel at the Spa ahhh*<p>

**Cat**: Ruby you are the best. *Relaxes into back massage.*

**Azazel**: Yes I agree.

**Ruby**: Thank you, I have all the great ideas!

*Assistant walks towards the group*

**Assistant**: Hello I hope you are all comfortable. Is there anything I could… Cat?

**Cat**: *Looks up* Jake?

**Jake**: Ah you remember my name! The whole night you were calling me Adam!

**Cat**: Ah sorry about that, you look very similar to a friend of mine.

**Jake**: Ah don't worry about it, so who's your friends?

**Azazel**: *Stands up…. Very naked and shouts* Are you friends with Satan's Bride to be?

**Jake**: Wow… are we friends Cat?

**Cat**: I guess, Jake this is Azazel and that's Ruby.

**Azazel**: *Still shouting!* Have you slept with Satan's Bride to be?

**Ruby**: Azazel sit down, I don't want to look at your ass all day!

**Cat**: I bet John would.

**Azazel**: OH JOHN! *Sobs sinking into the water!*

**Jake**: Rrrriiiggghhtt…So! Can I get you anything?

**Ruby**: FRENCH FRIES!

**Cat**: I'll just take a Mojito. Azazel you want anything?

**Azazel**: T.T John…

**Jake**: Fries and a Mojito coming right up!

**Cat**: Why do you keep referring me as Satan's bride to be or Satan's mistress?

**Azazel**: Because I want to know if you are ok for Father…

**Cat**: Awwww Zazel! I might not know much about this marriage stuff but I love your Father very much.

**Ruby**: Azazel, I think she passes the test.

**Cat**: Test? What test? Am I being watched? Are there spy cameras? I'M IN MY BIKINI! *Hyperventilates!*

**Azazel**: Nononono!... Well yeah a few key players in Hell might be watching, we just wanted to make sure you weren't going to hurt Father….. he doesn't take rejection well.

**Cat**: ok, did I do ok?

**Ruby**: Yep! Even with the confrontation with the Whiney Whore… what was his name again?

**Azazel**: Mark. I'm going to bug him after I've got John.

**Cat**: So what is it about John that you like so much?

**Ruby**: Azazel likes 'Bears!'

**Azazel**: Do not!

**Ruby**: Do to!

**Cat**: What are 'Bears?'

**Ruby**: John.

**Azazel**: John is not a Bear! He is sex!

**Ruby & Cat**: Oh dude no!

**Cat**: It's Lucifer for me!

**Ruby**: Sam was nice but I still love Lilith.

**Cat**: Oh I haven't met Lilith yet, is she nice? She's Lucifer's first daughter right?

**Azazel**: Nice isn't a word I'd use for Lilith… Psychotic bitch is more appropriate.

**Ruby**: She'd skin you if she heard that Zazel. She's awesome in bed! *Snickers*

**Cat**: Must get it from her Father, he's awesome in bed!

**Ruby** **&** **Cat**: *Shared Perverted thoughts!*

**Azazel**: *Sigh* I know John would be awesome in bed…

**Jake**: Drinks lady's.

**Azazel**: I know my vessel is male, I checked the other day!

**Jake**: I was kidding. Would you like anything?

**Azazel**: *Surges forwards to hold onto shirt* Can you get me John! *Puppy dog eyes….. Yellow puppy dog eyes…*

**Jake**: I have no idea who this John of yours is. *Azazel still clinging to shirt*

**Cat**: Hey you got this time?

**Jake**: Bout 5 pm? You got an hour till closing. *Slowly peals Azazel off and lets him slink back into the water.*

**Cat**: Cheers Jake. Hey you guys want to come back to my place for drinks?

**Azazel**: Sure we'd love t-

**Ruby**: - But we have to be getting back.

**Cat**: Oh sure no worries. I'd better be going.

**Azazel**: But I want to-

**Ruby**: Oh sure have fun!

**Azazel**: But? …. I want John….

* * *

><p><strong>Lucifer<strong>: Are you sure all these candles are necessary? I feel like I'm going to start a fire!

**Meg**: Yep! And the petals, and the champagne! Have you got what you're going to say?

**Lucifer**: I do believe so and Alistair gave me the ring earlier.

**Meg**: Oh crap she's coming! Father you're amazing and we love you, good luck! *Poofs*

*Key's jangling in the door*

**Cat**: Lucifer honey I'm home… What is all this?

**Lucifer**: *Breaks into cold sweat, tongue gets ties* BILL WU LARRY ME!

**Cat**: I'm sorry run that by me again?

**Lucifer**: *Begins Hyperventilating!*

**Cat**: Oh My God, Lucifer calm down! *Strokes Lucifer's back*

**Lucifer**: *Breathes Deeply* I'm ok now. *Kneels down* Cat, I love you… *Opens ring* Will you marry me?

**Cat**: ….

**Lucifer**: Uhhh Cat say something? Please?

**Cat**: *Collapses to the floor!*

**Lucifer**: CAT! Breathe! Breathe!

**Cat**: Mmmhmm.

**Lucifer**: What?

**Cat**: I'll marry you.

**Lucifer**: I love you! *Puts ring on finger*

**CRASH BANG!**

**Michael**: YAY! LITTLE BRO'S GETTING MARRIED!

**Gabriel**: Oh Castiel should be here to see this!

**Castiel**: But I am here?

**Cat**: Mommy and Daddy are getting married!

**Castiel**: Oh that's nice!

**Dean**: No shit it's nice! It's freakin awesome!

**Sam**: As long as they don't have sex everywhere.

**Castiel**: Yes their practical demonstration was quite…. Haunting.

**Michael**: *Whispers to Cat* We can still have threesome's right?

**Cat**: You'll have to ask Lucifer but it's alright with me.

**Lucifer**: It's alright with me!

**Sam**: Well we're all happy for you…. Now who zapped us here?

**Michael**: That would be me.

**Sam**: Can you zap us back; we were in the middle of a hunt.

**Michael**: Would you like me to kill it on my way? You know burn it up? Cause I'm hot… never mind

**Dean**: You can kill it if you want, can we go now?

**Michael**: *Fist pumps to self* He admitted I was hot!

**Dean**: No I didn't!

**Sam:** Congratulations again!

**Michael**: I'll be back for that threesome later!

**Gabriel**: I'll be off to and oh Raph sends his congrats!

WHOOSH!

**Lucifer**: Now future Mrs Satan, shall I show you how much I love you?

**Cat**: Oh yes Mr Satan!

*Runs to bedroom*

* * *

><p>So yep, hope you guys enjoyed it. I love you I love your prompts I love your reviews I love rum…. Oh wait…. Crap now I've really had too much..<p>

OH WELL! Have fun you kiddies and if I don't post another chapter next week feel free to badger me for one!

Reviews are awesome to you know…. Their like rainbows! So awesome!


	12. Perpetration For Awesomeness!

Hey folks! sorry for the lack of updates but I've been soooooooo overloaded, School, Plays, Upcoming Exams and soon to be released stories! (Seriously they will be coming soon, just working the kinks out of them. Even though i am terrified and deeply, emotionally invested in them.) So here we go hope you like it!

(Quick little tidbit, there's a surprise guest appearance from a character in one of those deeply invested story i'm going to post... as soon as i can accept that it's not my baby and you guys can have it. _My baby! T.T__)_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 12 - Preparations<strong>

**Death**: So those two are finally getting married, that's lovely…. Um are you ok brother?

**God**: *Crying* MY BABY AND MY LITTLE SISTER ARE GETTING TOGETHER! I always knew this day would come! *Blows into tissue*

**Death**: Brother it's ok, calm down.

**God**: _But they're my babies! _*Sinks down into the floor sobbing*

**Death**: Oh brother…

* * *

><p><strong>Levi<strong>: Such a preeettttyyyy invitation! *Inhales from bong*

**War**: Dude, this is going to be so awesome! That lovely lady owes me some tapes!

**Crowley**: I wonder if her assistant is going to be there. I rather liked Elaine.

**Meg**: Elaine was the chickadee who was there when we went right Azazel?

**Azazel**: Yep… *Inspects invitation*I wonder if John is going? : 3

**Ruby**: I wonder who's going to the Best Man and Woman?

**Meg**: Ooooh that's going to be interesting!

**Crash! Whoosh!**

**Michael**: Hello you filthy murdering savages! *Grins*

**War**: I take offence to that! I'm far from filthy today! That was yesterday.

**Gabriel**: What was it yesterday War? Party get out of hand? hehe I remember that weekend… well flashes of it!

**Dean**: Michael! Why the hell do you keep zapping us places!

**John**: Dean? Sam? Boys?

**Sam**: Dad!

*Cue awkward family moment in 3….2…1… GO!*

**Dean** **&** **Sam**: *Slow motion running towards John*

**John**: *Slow motion arm raising for a hug!*

*Hugs!*

**John**: Oh my boys I'm so proud of you!

**Sam**: How are you even alive dad?

**John**: It's only temporary son, That woman Cat, she brought me back for her wedding. Get this Satan's actually a guy and she's marrying him!

**Dean**: Yeah dad we know. It's good to have you back.

**Michael**: Oh yawn! I brought you all here to discuss wedding plans. As Best Man I have been informed that I have to organize a so called 'Stag Night' Although I fail to see how watching Stags at night is entertaining, I was much rather hoping to go to a strip club and get blind drunk but oh well, I came to ask does anyone know where I can get any tamed Stags?

**Gabriel**: Michael a 'Stag Night' is the name of guys party before Luci gets hitched, Stags have nothing to do with it. Although I do like your plan of a strip club!

**War**: We could just put antlers on Moose man and say he's a Stag?

**Sam**: I am not a Moose!

**Levi**: Yeah ya are Sammy!

**Sam**: Don't call me Sammy pothead!

**Levi**: I AM NOT A POTHEAD!

**Sam**: Are to.

**Levi**: Are not!

**Michael**: Ladies please! Calm the fuck down. And oh Levi you're the Best Woman.

**Levi**: Nooo! Responsibility! *Shakes fist*

**Michael**: she said don't strain yourself Levi, think Alcohol, strippers and food.

**Levi**: mkaaayyy! Can I bring my bong as my +1?

**Sam**: If you're really that desperate pothead.

**Azazel**: John will you be my +1?

**John**: Azazel! I didn't realize you were there!

**Azazel**: Oh Johnny, you knew I was there watching you all along…. Like I was watching you in the shower the other day, I must say Johnny boy you're very toned!

**John**: Dear god no. I'm going to shoot your ass!

**Azazel**: OOOOOHHH Kinky bareback! I like it Johnny!

**John**: Arghrguisbrnioksnkd

**Sam**: How did you even make that noise with your mouth?

**Levi**: It's easy for non-moose people.

**Sam**: Shut up pothead, nobody like you and your big mouth!

**Levi**: *Tears up* Words hurt Sam…

**War**: See what you did Sam! You made a Leviathan cry! And people say I'm mean.

**Sam**: Wait I didn't mean to-

**Ruby**: There, There Levi. Would you like some more pot to make you happy again?

**Levi**: Yes please. *Wipes eye*

**Sam**: I didn't mean to make you cry Levi, I'm sorry. *Moose hug*

**Levi**: Wow it's like being cradled by a mountain.

**Sam**: *Drops Levi and walks off*

*Keys jangle, Door opens*

**Cat**: What…. Why are ya'll in my house?

**Crowley**: Uhhhh this is my house? In hell…

**Cat**: DAMNIT! Lucifer I got lost again!

**Lucifer**: *flys in* Got ya *Poof*

**Michael**: Well that was weird…. Right! Stag night tomorrow, my place!

**Crowley**: … isn't your place in heaven?

**Michael**: Yeah. And?

**Crowley**: If you have to ask that question you've obviously smoked too much today.

**War**: Half of us are demons and totally unwelcome up there.

**Michael**: … OOOOOHHHH! I get it! Nah don't sweat it, one time offer. You guys can come up and be unharmed until 5pm the day after!

**Crowley**: Right then, now…. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! *Hell hounds barking in the background*

**Michael**: Shit RUN RUN RUN! *Poofs all non-hellish peoples topside*

**Levi**: Great now I've got to plan with Hen's night…. That's what it's called right? A hen's night?

**War**: Last I checked, yeah.

**Levi**: …. Can we do it in hell?

**War**: It would certainly be hot.

**Crowley**: Sure, any idea's what we're going to do down here though?

**Levi**: Can we make the Winchester and angel's strip?

**Crowley**: I'll call Asmodeous, she'll have them eating out of her hand!

*Five mins later, knock on the door behind them*

**Crowley**: Come on in, *Turning around* Asmodeous it's nice to…. Elaine?

**Elaine**: Yeah we're kinda the same person.

**War**: So you are the demon of Lust and an interview assistant?

**Elaine**: Yep pretty much…. So what's up?

**Crowley**: You never called after our date….

**Elaine**: Yeah…. I was gonna but yeah I got sidetracked.

**War**: Whatever, we need you to show up at Cat's Hen's night and make the Winchesters and angel's start stripping.

**Elaine**: Can we do everyone except for John just to piss off Azazel?

**Levi**: Sure why not!

**Erika**: Alright, just give me a call when you're ready.

**Levi**: Dude this party is going to be so sweet!

**Crowley**: I-I'll see you later Elaine! Oh she's gone…. Damn demons…? Wait a second!

* * *

><p>*The next day, in Heaven*<p>

**Michael**: We have strippers, we have Alcohol, We have modern Music and we have successfully segregated the cupids from there arrows!

**Lucifer**: Thank you brother for this.

**Gabriel**: I don't know who told them but there's a horde of screaming fan-uh-angel's outside all yelling for Lucifer to come and marry them instead…. I think I saw Dad at the front of the cue to!

**Lucifer**: Michael do I have to go out there? Don't make me go out there!

**Michael**: Lucifer, we're archangels and the only thing between us from getting strippers and booze is a few garrisons of your fans…. STRIPPERS AND BOOZE LUCIFER!

**Lucifer**: All right, All right I get it. *Deep breath* Let's do this.

*Doors open*

**Crowd**: WE LOVE YOU LUCIFER! AAAAAHHHHHHH COME MARRY US LUCIFER!

**Michael**: What about me? I'm available?

**Crowd**: … *Tumbleweed rolls past*

**Gabriel**: It's ok brother, I'm sure someone's out there for you. *Pats Michael's shoulder*

**Lucifer**: *Takes step forward*

**Crowd**: LUCIFER YOUR FEET ARE SO BEAUTIFUL! YOU'RE SO AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL AND STRONG!

**Lucifer**: *Walks faster through the crowd*

**Michael**: Seriously what about me?

**Crowd**: …. *Someone in the very back* You're bossy….Sir.

**Gabriel**: More importantly, WHAT ABOUT ME!

**Kali**: *Appears* You belong to me Gabriel.

**Gabriel**: Oh hi, honey. Long time no see.

**Kali**: Yes, one of the cupids invited me.

**Gabriel**: That's nice…. You're not going to set me on fire are you?

**Kali**: Do I have a reason to?

**Gabriel**: Nope! Nope, absolutely not.

**Kali**: Ok then, shall we?

**Lucifer**: *Full blown running through the crowd*

**Michael**: *Trailing behind as the crowd parts like the motherfucking red sea!*

**Crowd**: LUCIFER WE LOVE YOU!

**Lucifer**: *Slams doors behind everyone.* Am I safe now?

**War**: For the moment, just wait till the strippers get here.

**Lucifer**: Where did you uh get these strippers?

**War**: Oh I just asked a couple of those lovely angels outside.

**Lucifer**: Were they pretty?

**War**: Smoking hot!

**Lucifer**: And not insane?

**War**: Not to my knowledge.

**Kali**: *Comes from backroom* Well they certainly are pretty. Nice job War.

**Michael**: Oh really let me check. *goes off to the backroom*

*Screams from the Strippers*

**Michael**: Why doesn't anyone love me T.T

**?:** Would you like a drink?

**Michael**: I would love a drink *Looks up at her face* Wow you're pretty.

**?:** Oh why thank you… I'm sorry I don't even know you're name?

**Michael**: I'm Michael, the uh Archangel.

**?:** Well it's nice to meet you Michael, I'm Sariel. Would you like to come and get a drink with me?

**Michael**: I would love to get a drink with you Sariel.

**Sariel**: My why aren't you the charmer.

**Gabriel**: So Lucifer, getting married at the end of the week. How's it feel?

**Lucifer**: Good, She is amazing and beautiful. Oh look she pulled me into this thing called a 'Photo Booth' The other day and we took these pictures.

*Shows Gabriel a couple of nice pictures.*

**Gabriel**: Why is the last picture so dark?

**Lucifer**: We uh kinda started… yeah you know… against the camera… it broke, we got kicked out.

**Gabriel**: Wow you're worse than me when it comes to public places!

**Lucifer**: Oh look, it seems War's getting along with the strippers… Where did Michael go? I was sure he was going to be moping around complaining that he couldn't get a date.

**Gabriel**: uh Lucifer… look towards the bar.

**Lucifer**: Is that Michael? With a woman? …. Oh great the worlds now going to explode two days before my wedding!

**Gabriel**: Look! She's flirting with him!

**Lucifer**: Oh sweet lord she is! We have to go over there!

**Raphael**: *Appears holding what suspiciously looks like a 'girly drink'* Oh leave big brother alone, he hasn't had much luck with the ladies… uh ever she'll probably ditch him by the end of the night.

*Doors open wide*

**God**: NOBODY PANIC! Daddies back.

*Half the bar face-palms*

**Michael**: Hello father.

**God**: Good evening Michael and who's your lovely friend?

**Sariel**: Oh I'm Sariel sir.

**God**: Oh yeah, didn't recognize you when you not a little eggy, Michael was such a cute eggy!

**Michael**: Dad… oh look there's Lucifer go bother him, he's getting married!

**God**: MY BABY'S GETTING MARRIED! *Sobs and runs to Lucifer*

**Lucifer**: Dad, Dad Calm down. No stop running towa- DAD!

**God**: Lucifer you're all grown up and marrying my little sister…. I'm surprised Death hasn't given you a talk yet.

**Lucifer**: Death's giving me a talk? Oh no….

**God**: I'm so proud of you son! You're so mature now! *Cries*

**Death**: Lucifer… I need to talk to you.

**Lucifer**: Don't kill me I'm getting married in two days!

**Death**: I'm not going to kill you… but if you ever harm my little sister you will not die fast, you will be tortured to within an inch of your life over and over again before I send you back to apologize…. Got it?

**Lucifer**: Yes, sir… very, very clearly.

**Gabriel**: Anyway back to bigger and better things. Who's that girl with Michael at the bar?

**Death**: Michael? With a girl? You're joking! … *Turns around.* You're not joking… who is she?

**God**: She's Sariel, one of you but she's a bit of a recluse, when she was an egg she just sort of rolled off to the side, hatched and sort of wandered off somewhere… wow I should really take better care of my children.

**Gabriel**: Sooooo is Mikey gonna get it on with the hot recluse angel?

**Death**: If he doesn't screw things up I'd say he's got a pretty good chance!

**God**: Look! They're getting up!

**Lucifer**: They're turning towards us! Act natural!

*Gabriel jumps over a chair. God Smiles and waves. Death eats a pickle chip and Lucifer chugs his drink*

**Gabriel**: Do you think they noticed us?

**Death**: Well I'm sure they noticed your Father, he's the biggest cock-blocker of them all!

**God**: I am not!

**Death**: Are to! Even at the beginning of time when there was only a few people to actually get it on with! REMEMBER LILITH!

**God**: Oh yeah the one that didn't like Adam… but she liked you though, I remember when I went into your office while you were….. OOOOOoohhh I see what you mean!

**Death**: Finally he gets it!

**Lucifer**: If only too soon.

*Doors open, the bar is once again defend by the screaming crowd of angels outside while the humans and demons arrive.*

**Lucifer**: CLOSE THE DOOR! CLOSE THE DOOR THEY'LL GET IN!

**Sam**: I got it!

**Dean**: Dude you have a massive fan base!

**Lucifer**: Well I am the most beautiful archangel!

**Gabriel**: SWEET CANDY BARS! Luci look! Sariel's making a move on Michael!

**Sariel**: So you know I uh, don't really do this often… well in decades really. Would you uh like to go on a-

**Gabriel**: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!

**Michael**: Gabriel, what are you doing!

**Gabriel**: You and me need to have a chat Sariel. *Begins dragging her off into the backroom*

**Sariel**: I'll uh see you later Michael.

* * *

><p><strong>Gabriel<strong>: *Sits Sariel down in a chair.*

**Lucifer**: *Passes her a drink*

**Sariel**: So guys, what's this all about?

**Gabriel**: What exactly is your intention with our older brother?

**Sariel**: Intention? Um I don't know… he is very nice though, very sweet and funny to!

**Lucifer**: So do you like him then?

**Sariel**: I think it's safe to say that, from the short amount of time I've known him so far, I like him a lot!

**Lucifer**: *Sits back into chair* Wow.

**Gabriel**: So you're not going to try and intentionally hurt him? This isn't some trick you've been put up to but like Zachariah to make him all depressing or something?

**Sariel**: Who's Zachariah. Look guys I don't get out much, I mind my own busness as much as possible so I can concentrate on my art. In fact this is the first time I've been invited out this century, some cupid invited me. To be honest I though everyone would have forgotten me by now, I wasn't really that important before the war and everything I was only an angel of Death.

**Lucifer**: Wait, you were, no are an angel of Death? Sariel… no wait you're the Archangel of Death! Lady of course you are important! I'm surprised you haven't been called on in a whole century!

**Sariel**: Like I said, I don't get out much I guess people just kinda forgot about me….. can I uh get back to talking with Michael? I was about to ask him out on a date, is that's okay with you guys I guess?

**Gabriel**: Hey it's ok with me now I know who you are!

**Lucifer**: It's also alright with me. By all means! Have fun with him!

**Sariel**: Thank you *Walks off*

**Lucifer**: She said a cupid invited her right?

**God**: *APPEARS! IN A GOD LIKE FASHION!* perhaps you didn't separate them all from there arrows?

**Lucifer**: HOLY HELL DAD! Don't do that!

**Gabriel**: Maybe you're right, we should keep an eye on them for the rest of the night!

**God**: Of course I'm right I'm God bitches! *Puts on hipster glasses and walks off*

*War comes bursting through the doors*

**War**: Dude this party is sweet! Here have you tried one of these yet? *Passes drink* They're awesome!

**Lucifer**: Yes that's Holy Wine, knocks your socks off huh? Yeah it always did that to the lightweights. *Points to Gabriel*

**Gabriel**: Oh yeah? Well if you're so great I'd like to see you chug one Luci!

**Lucifer**: Fine, Maybe I will!

**Gabriel**: *Shoves the party out of the doors* Hey we need some Holy Wine down here! Grooms gonna chug!

**God**: Whhoooooo! GO SON! CHUG THAT BITCH! Efrem eferm I mean, Gluttony is a sin son. Please drink responsibly.

**Death**: Brother you are at a party, please enough with the religious talk. *Whispers* Plus you can't say anything; I'm still finding those drunk de-headed stripper corpses.

**God**: It's not my fault they were calling to me! With their '_Oh god! Oh god I'm coming!'_

**Death**: Oh brother! That's so vulgar, it's something I would expect Cat to come out with!

**God**: OH CAT! MY LITTLE SISTERS ALL GROWNUP NOW! *Sobs*

**Death**: …. Fuck.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile on the other side of the bar.<p>

**Michael**: Oh you're back; I thought my brothers would have scared you off.

**Sariel**: Oh no, they're not really scary. Would you uh like another drink?

**Michael**: I would love one if it meant talking to you longer.

**Sariel**: oh you, you're good. I'll be right back… don't uh run away.

**Michael**: I won't I just hope you're not running away.

*Sariel goes off to get more drinks*

**Gabriel**: Soooooo Mikey! Gonna get laid tonight?

**Michael**: Wait what! Gabriel! I can't do that! She's so nice!

**Gabriel**: Oh so a keeper eh? Well good, good. Still, you going to bone her?

**Sariel**: Well I'd bone him.

**Michael**: *Goes bright red*Gabriel, leave now.

**Gabriel**: Oh I like you! You're welcome round anytime. *Walks off to find Holy Wine for the upcoming Chugging contest*

**Sariel**: You okay there Michael? *Passes drink*

**Michael**: Yeah, it's just I don't have the greatest track record with women… men…. Or anything really.

**Sariel**: Awww it's okay I'll stick around if you want, you know I kinda like you.

**Michael**: You know I kinda like you to.

* * *

><p><strong>Gabriel<strong>: Okay Lucifer first.

**Whole** **bar**: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

**Lucifer**: Ahhh! SUCK ON THAT! HA!

**Gabriel**: Alright, alright my turn!

**Bar**: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

**Gabriel**: whoa…. Whoa…. WHOA! Oh I hate you Lucifer! *Passes out*

*Bar Cheers for Lucifer!*

**Lucifer**: HAHAHAH! THAT'S RIGHT! WHO'S THE BOSS! OH YEAH! WHO'S YOUR DADDY BITCH!

**God**: Um *Raises hand* I am?

**Death**: Brother no, go, go play in the corner with some poor souls.

**God**: Oooh? Is that Dean and Sam? I'm going to go mess with their lives a bit!

**Death**: Yeah, yeah you do that. ….. *Makes sure God's out of an earshot* Thank fuck he's gone.

**Lucifer**: Whoa! Whoa! Death! DEATH! You know you little sister is hot? I mean smoking hot! And I'm going to marry her and love her and care for her! Because she's hot and awesome! Mmmhmm!

**Death**: Yes yes thank you now get off of me. *Shoves Lucifer into a chair.*

**God**: DEATH I KILLED THEM AGAIN!

**Death**: BROTHER! Can you not go five minutes without killing the fucking Winchesters! FUCK!

**God**: *Cowers in the corner from the oncoming Angry!Death.*

**Death**: *Pursues the cowering God while Lucifer passes out into the chair!*

Meanwhile on the other side of the room.

**Michael**: Soooo Sariel?

**Sariel**: Yes Michael? *sips drink*

**Michael**: W-W-Would you like to uh possibly… ummmmm

**Sariel**: Are we possibly going to hear the end of this sentence?

**Michael**: yes, I'm getting there. Would you like to come back to my place for drinks or something?

**Sariel**: I like the sounds of or something. Shall we get going?

**Michael**: Yes, yes that sounds good!

**Sariel**: Hey Michael you do know I was one of the first angel's to fall for love right? Well they call it love, I called it sex… so what I guess I'm saying is, are you ready?

**Michael**: *Jaw drops Practically Salivates!* I was born ready for this! *Steps in and carries Sariel off to his heaven*

* * *

><p><strong>Cat<strong>: *looks up at the sky* Whoa that must be one hell of a party! Is that an aurora? In Manhattan? Wow! Cool party.

* * *

><p>Will Michael and Sariel get it on? Will Lucifer recover from his Holy Wine hangover in time for his wedding? WILL RAPHAEL CONTINUE TO DRINK 'GIRLY DRINKS' AT CAT'S HEN NIGHT? Find out in the next chapter!<p>

So there we go hope you liked it~ i'll post that other one soon... just as soon as i accept that it's not my baby... because i love it so much! i hope you guys will to! * Hyperventilates* M-My Baby!


	13. Hellish Celebrations!

So here we go! Finally getting a trickle of inspiration back in my brain! So hopefully i'll update faster next time huh i think 1 a month is a bit slack don't you? Anyways enjoy! I always enjoy writing these!

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 13 – Hellish Parties<strong>

**Cat**: So we got everything ready Levi?

**Levi**: Yep! Got strippers, human's and angel boys coming down only slightly hungover from Luci's stag night.

**Cat**: Oh cool. We've got enough booze right? *Glances to the mountain of bottles.*

**Crowley**: I think we've got enough for the whole of hell in there! … Elaine's on her way…

**Cat**: Elaine? Oh! You mean Asmodeous!

**Crowley**: You knew?

**Cat**: Yeah, I hired her… also creator of Hell?

**Elaine**: Well I'm here, who am I making strip?

**Azazel**: JOHN! Oh please make John strip!

**Elaine**: Sure, why not?

**Azazel**: oh I love you!

**Elaine**: Oh don't I know it… hi Crowley, how's tricks?

**Crowley**: Oh you know, ruling Hell and all. Keeping people in line, torturing souls you know, the usual. *Puffs up chest while blushing*

**Cat**: Smooth Crowley, smooth.

**War**: Hey! Angel boys are here! And I don't mean to alarm anyone here… but I think Michael's got a girlfriend.

**Everyone**: What!

**War**: Michael just came in laughing and kissing some girl angel.

**Cat**: Really? …. I wonder if she'd be up for a drink?

**War**: Yeah I think so, she's super nice!

**Michael**: Hey guys! There's someone I want you to meet! Guy's this is Sariel, Sariel, this is the guys and Cat.

**Cat**: It's nice to meet someone who can handle Mike here!

**Sariel**: Wait… aren't you God's sister? So this is your wedding! Oh congratulations! We brought gifts!

**Cat**: Oh thanks, you shouldn't have.

**Sariel**: Oh it's our pleasure. *Hands over a box with Jewelry in it.*

**Michael**: Hey would you like a drink?

**Sariel**: Oh I would love… is that Hellfire? You guys have Hellfire? Oh you are my new favorite people!

**Michael**: What about me?

**Sariel**: Oh no you are defiantly my most favorite person here. *Holds hand*

**Michael**: Mmmm Glad to know. Well have fun guys, I'm going to entertain this lovely lady.

**Cat**: Shall we crack on and get out some Hellfire?

**Crowley**: Isn't that poisonous?

**Cat**: To everything except Angels, Horsemen and God's relatives.

**War**: I also stole some Holy Wine from upstairs.

**Cat**: God you guys are the best!

**God**: *Appears* Did somebody call my name?

**Death**: You really have to stop those awful one liners brother, we're not with your hookers now.

**God**: They are not hookers! They are just very nice ladies!

**Cat**: Brother, when you pick them up off corners and pay them per hour they're hookers … or Fancy Ladies… I'm not sure of the term now.

**War**: Psht, Fancy Ladies. I like it.

**Cat**: Now. LET'S DRINK!

* * *

><p><strong>Dean<strong>: Guy's we are…. GOD DAMN IT MICHAEL PUT A FUCKING SHIRT ON! *Michael flips finger towards his vessel*

**God**: You called Dean?

**Sam**: No, Dean just had a mild shock at your naked Son and Ummmm who is she?

**God**: Oh I'll just go see… Death! I DIDN'T KILL THEM THIS TIME HAHA!...*Crack*... Sammy what happened to your neck?

**Death**: DAMNIT BROTHER!

**Sam**: *Neck snaps back into place* So when somebody says your name, do you just go watch and see what they want?

**God**: YES! See brother! He understands!

**Dean**: Whatever, can I have a drink now?

**Death**: Try this.

**Dean**: Ah thanks man *Drinks* AH! What the hell is that! It burns!

**Death**: Mulled Hellfire. Special recipe, Tessa came up with it. Don't worry it's safe for humans.

**Raphael**: *Appears out of nowhere, HOLDING A GIRLY DRINK! (It had a little umbrella and everything.)* Did you say that Tessa's here?

**Death**: I didn't but she is. She's over by the bar happily making her version of a lemon and lime bitter.

**Raphael**: Oh thanks, um how do I look.

**God**: Amazing son! Like the sassy gay at any bar! You could take all of us on in a battle of wits! AMAZING! GLOROIUS! BEAUTIFUL! *fans Raphael with a feather fan*

**Raphael**: -.- Forget I asked. *Stalks off*

**Crowley**: Boys! I think It's time you meet my friend here.

**Elaine**: Hello boys how are we?

**Dean**: Oh hey Elaine.

**Crowley**: You gonna tell them or am I?

**Elaine**: No we'll wait till there Dad arrives, I own Zazel a favor.

**John**: So what did I miss?

**Crowley**: Ah! What a coincidence!

**John**: I don't like the sound of that…

**Elaine**: You folks are gonna be tonight's entertainment! Now _Start Stripping!_

**Dean**: You what?

**Elaine**: _Listen closely Dean, you are all going to find the irresistible urge to start Stripping when I give the word you will begin and give everyone a show._

**Sam**: Dean? You feeling that?

**Dean**: Oh god!

**God**: You called?

**John**: Boys pick a corner and stick to it! *Shucks off jacket*

**Azazel**: Oh Johnny!

**John**: Oh god, go away!

**God**: WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP CALLING ME!

**Death**: Brother drink some Hellfire.

**God**: *Chugs the highly mind altering drink* Whoa….. WHOA! FFFUUUUUCCCCKKKK!

**Death**: Brother, language!

**God**: Fuck shit! Fuck Bitches YEAH!

**Cat**: Death, what did you give him?

**Death**: Hellfire, but seriously it wasn't even that much!

**Cat**: Yeah but he's the king of lightweights!

**Death**: I can see.

**God**: THAT'S RIGHT! I AM THE ALPHA AND OMEGA! YEAH!

**Cat**: Well think of this way, at least it's not as bad as when we broke his favorite toy and he wouldn't stop crying. For Months that went on! At least this will only last a day or two.

**Death**: I think the humans called it 'The Flood', I saw a movie called 'The Flood' once.

**Cat**: Oh really how was it?

**Death**: Terrible.

**Cat**: No surprise there! Oh look, Cas is getting Dean out of his pants! Eeeeeeee! *Rushes off to watch…. NO! NOT IN THAT WAY… okay yes in that way.*

* * *

><p><strong>Michael<strong>: I'm having a really great time you know.

**Sariel**: Yeah me to! The drinks are good, these people are nice and you're gorgeous! *Sways a little on her chair*

**Michael**: *Giggles.* Are you drunk?

**Sariel**: What me? *Sways a bit more* Maybe.

**Michael**: I've got you.

**Gabriel**: Aww That's cute, Michael you're cute! Sooooooo cute!

**Michael**: Gabriel… you're drunk to. Am I seriously the only one not drinking the Hellfire?

**Gabriel**: No I'm pretty sure Tessa's drinking some version of a lemon and lime bitter.

**Sariel**: *Nearly sways off seat.*

**Michael**: Whoa, Whoa! I got ya.

**Sariel**: Oh you got me alright. Now come on I'm sure there's a flat surface around here somewhere. *Drags Michael off into Crowley's office*

* * *

><p><strong>Elaine<strong>: So this guys was like moaning and everything and crap and I swear I just touched him and he just came everywhere. And when I say everywhere I mean everywhere!

**Tessa**: Whoa, must have been his lucky night.

**Crowley**: *Standing on the other side of the bar mumbling to self-* Come on Crowley, you're the king of hell! You're fucking KING you can do this! Come on stop being a Pansy Damn it! *All the pansy's in a 100 mile radius were instantly damned…. Poor Pansy's. : (*

**Elaine**: And you see how Sam's stripping over there? He learnt that when he was paying off his Stanford loan! He was a good stripper…

**Crowley**: Hello Ladies, how's the evening treating you? *Inner thoughts - _Damn it Crowley! Is that the best you can do! THIS IS ASMODEOUS!*_

**Elaine**: Hi Crowley, we're good. How's things with you?

**Crowley**: Oh you know, running Hell a tough gig but what you gonna do? *_Crowley I swear if you don't get your game on, this little voice is going to find a way to slap you!_*

**Elaine**: *Pokes Tessa's leg* Oh running Hell, sounds tough. What with all these disobeying demons and everything.

**Crowley**: I know but it gets better when I get to a pretty face like yours. *_Now we're getting somewhere, I don't have to slap you! Yay for you Crowley!*_

**Elaine**: You think I'm pretty? Really?

**Tessa**: *Suppresses giggles into drink.*

**Crowley**: You're beautiful, stunning!

**Elaine**: Oh. Well thank you *slight blush*

**Tessa**: I'm gonna leave you two at it before one of you jumps the other.

**Raphael**: Tessa! Hey h-how are you?

**Tessa**: Oh I'm fine, how's things on your end?

**Raphael**: Good, no more Civil War and everything. I was kinda hoping to see you here tonight. I wanted to ask you if-

**Tessa**: Oh I'm sorry the boss is calling me, can you hold that thought a second? *rushes off*

**Raphael**: If you wanted to go on a date with me… oh she's gone. *Turns back to the girly drink* You won't leave me. : ) *Drops drinks* …. Fuck.

* * *

><p><strong>Cat<strong>: No I'm telling you she was a guy!

**War**: No I'm pretty sure I would be able to tell if it was a guy in those films.

**Cat**: Yeah but I was the one in that film. It was a guy, a reaaaaally pretty feminine guy!

**War**: You were still hot though.

**Cat**: Thanks

**God**: I HAVE NO IDEA WHO LEFT THAT BEHEADED CORPSE IN THE BATHROOM! TOTALLY WASN'T ME! …. I AM THE MASTERCOMANDER!

**Death**: I'm telling you for the last time, go lay down.

**God**: YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I AM THE ALMIGHTY ONE!

**Death**: Yes and I'm your brother. GO LAY DOWN!

**God**: NO I DON'T WANNA!

**Death**: Well you're gonna.

**God**: CAT! DEATH'S BEING MEAN!

**Death**: Don't try to get her on your side!

**Cat**: Brother go lay down.

**Death**: See she sided with me!

**God**: NO FAIR! YOU'RE PAYING HER OFF! I – I *collapses into a bed.*

**Death**: Sweet fucking mercy~

**Cat**: Hopefully with any luck he'll sleep the rest of the night away!

**Death**: God I hope so!

**God**: *Still semi-comatose on the floor* Y-you called?

**Death**: *Hisses out* gooooooo tooooo sleeeeep!

* * *

><p><strong>Azazel<strong>: Whoooo John! Take the T-shirt off!

**John**: Oh come on! Please? Isn't this enough?

**Azazel**: Nope, Not until you're in your boxers! Or are you a briefs kinda guy? OR even better none at all! Oh come on Commando!

* * *

><p><strong>Crowley<strong>: So Elaine? Would you like to see my office?

**Elaine**: But weren't we in your office the other day?

**Crowley**: Y-yeah I uh changed a few things this morning…

**Elaine**: I would love to see the office of the King of Hell.

**Crowley**: Great! Right this way m'lady!

*Walks off to the office, the noise of the party over powering…. Other noises.*

**Crowley**: Right in here…. HOLY FLYING FUCK!

**Elaine**: Wow, Angel ass! You sure have exotic ornaments Crowley.

**Sariel**: Oh Michael! There! Right there!

**Michael**: *Some embarrassing noise that is just too pornographic to be written down, let alone voiced! And had nothing absolutely nothing to do with the little sexual mojo Elaine let off into the room!*

**Elaine**: Well, Shall we give them a run for their money or what?

**Crowley**: I thought you'd never ask!

*Wild Sex off ensues!*

* * *

><p><strong>Cat<strong>: And then there was the time I created hell and everything was awesome and pretty! And then Levi came along and we made a heck of a mess! Ha! I-I was responsible for the fire and heat, he made all the black stuff… yeah black hissey stuff!

**War**: Yeah… YEAH! And then there was that time me and Lucifer had hot gay butt sex! He has a great butt!

**Cat**: Oh I know it! You like squeeze it and slap it and it's all firm and taut! Oooohhhh yeah!

**War**: *Pervy smile* Yeah, all firm and slick.

**Cat**: And what?

**War**: And sweet?

**Gabriel**: Are you two talking…. Talking about butts?

**Cat**: Yeah butts are good.

**War**: Butts are great.

**Gabriel**: Yeah everybody likes butts…

**Cat**: You like Sammy's butt!

**Gabriel**: Sammy's butt is great! It's all muscley! And hot!

**War**: You do realize Sammy's stripping over there right?

**Gabriel**: *Drops drink* Sammy's stripping! *Runs like there's free candy!*

As Gabriel runs over to watch Sammy using the skills he picked up while he was 'paying his tuition' Gabe knocked the music, causing the music to die and something else to take over…. These horrific 'moans' …. Or screams of torture? Which came from Crowley's office…. From four different people… Maybe six? And then my brother awoke….

**God**: OOOOOOOHHH SOMEBODIES GETTING LAID LIKE THE FOUNDATIONS OF BABALYON, YEAH!

**Death**: GOD! Go, The fuck, TO SLEEP!

**God**: Yes brother…

*Music returns*

**Cat**: So yeah butts!

* * *

><p>Mmmmmm Butts... Next up! *Drum roll commences!* THE WEDDING! aaaaaahhhhhhh! Will God get over his hang over? Will he not break down into a sobbing lug? Will Michael and Sariel still be together? WILL RAPHAEL GET THAT GOD DAMN DATE! And oh will Azazel ever get into John's pants?<p>

Find out in the next installment!


End file.
